The Journey

If I was writing this the traditional way, my tears would stain the paper. .
If I was writing this the traditional way, my handwriting would be illegible...
My pen shakey.....
My words jumbled..
They wouldn't make any sense
Have no meaning and my sentences would run on...
If... I...
If I was writing the traditional way...
But there's nothing traditional about me or my life..
Im going thru a journey of sorts if you will. ..
..unwillingly..
I'm being led down a rabbit hole of unknowns and I'm doing it: kicking and screaming. .
The journey is not mine...
I'm just a passenger. ..
An unenthusiatic, unprepared, unsolicited passenger. .
This journey, this ride that I'm on.. I would love to get off but I can't.
I would love to make it stop..
But I can't
I wanna yell,  scream,  shout:
Abort mission!
Abandon ship!
Cease fire!
Just. .stop..
But I can't. .
It's not my ride
Not my journey
Not my life
I'm just along for the ride,  for the adventure..
You see,  my daughter is in the process of transitioning into a man...
She's deciding to live her life out loud, but why do I have to go with her?
Why couldn't she live out loud, a little  quieter?
A little less rumble in her jungle?
A little less fire in her cracker?
A little less pop! In her snap. ..?
Just a teeny roar....?
Don't get it twisted...
I'm not here looking for pity or hugs...
Or quiet words of understanding....
Little nods with the hand on my arm, like Oh Girl..
Do not feel sorry for me..
 Or her..
Hell, I'm proud of the kid..
I applaud the kid...
I applaud her courage,  her tenacity,  her audacity...Her bravery...
However things are getting a bit outta hand now...
The physical changes are afoot..
She's getting taller,  her shoulders are broadening,  her waist slimming, feet growing, voice deepening and she's growing facial hair....
But all I see is my girl...
That tiny baby girl I gave birth to... that I taught to ride a bike,  to stand up to bullies, to hold her head up high,  to be independent....to be happy.... My... girl.... my one and only, my everything..
my heartbeat...
So...
If I was writing this the traditional way, my tears would stain the paper. .
My pen shakey..
My handwriting illegible...
My words jumbled...
They wouldn't make any sense,
Have no meaning
And my sentences would run on. .
If... I...
....was writing this the traditional way...
But there's nothing traditional about me or my life....
Or this journey...
Or this ride...
But love.....

Love

Let me love you
In a way that leaves you breathless
So breathless that when you speak
it comes out in a whisper,
Barely audible
That
Your thoughts begin to scream

Let me love you
Like you've never been loved before
Let me hold you
Like it's the first time you've been held
Let me look into your eyes
So I can get glimpse of what I haven't had before
You... enveloped in love

An Us Thang

Sitting here thinking about you...
about the time I spend with you..
about the possibilities with you..
About loving you
About the times when I don't see you
Or when I'm not with you
Or when I'm not WITH you
Or when I can't see you
But I yearn to be with you
Beside you
Close to you
Around you
Feeling the vibe of you
You know,
I get jealous of the people around you because they get to see you, talk with you,  laugh with you,  feel the vibe from you..
I kinda wish we were past this stage and we were more...
More like a couple
More on solid ground
A solid foundation
Moving swiftly toward
A more solid foundation
Moving toward
A deeper connection
Moving toward
Something
More than physical
Something
More like mental
Emotional
Moving toward
Something
Like
A oneness
An openness
A completeness
An us in this
Can you dig it?

#loveliesNorgasms

Breaking the Rules

I cant really pinpoint what it is about him or why I said okay to the second go round.  Do I like him? Yes, he's cool. Could I love him? I could.  But has he shown me anything that exhibits what I want in a man? Yes... He's shown me what I do want and what I don't want.  The fact that he doesn't check for me is a deal breaker even after we had the conversation.  He's making me second guess me... can't do it.  I want someone who wants me. I want him to call during the day. I want him to be anxious to see & hear from me as I would be from him.  I want him to respond to my messages, call me.  Show me what your words are saying....
My friend Gerald said to me, "instead of your fall back game being strong, why not make your fall IN game even stronger?" I wish I could.  I can't fight by myself. I can't love,  like,  hang by myself if I'm trying to make something happen with someone.
I'm not even saying goodbye... Hell he won't notice anyway.
Back to it....
I guess...

Second Guessing..

I guess..
I remember
The level of interest..
Before...
It's not the same...
I guess..
I remember
The look
The feel
The vibe
Before...
It's not the same..
It's shifted
Its different..
There's no hunt,
No fire
No.. trust
That I could give you my heart's
Security
I don't feel..
Secure.
I question
Myself
I second guess
Myself
Almost as if
I don't love
Myself
But I do..
And
I want to love you
But..
I want you
To love me too
I want to feel your love
Not your words
I'm
Tired
Of
Second
Guessing
You....

A hidden obvious

A hidden obvious is what he said and hiding in plain sight is what she said ..that's funny.. the irony of those statements are wild because I stand 5'10, barefoot  or taller in heels and weigh ,  eh,  enough. ..I'm not a small woman by no stretch of the imagination. I can't exactly hide if I wanted to.... I am an amazon by some standards. .an anomaly.. No way could I just fade into the background. .blend into my surroundings. .disappear... fade into nothingness.. fade to black. ...poof and I was never here... Yeah,  that would never  be me.

Daydreaming (naughty thoughts)

Laying on my back,  panting... Staring at him with incredulous eyes.... How can he make me do the things I do? My body betrays me every time..
My phone rang three hours ago... When I answered, a deep baritone voice says, on my way... I get ready.... I light candles from my front door to my bedroom..... I grab a bowl of strawberries and the whipped cream.. I place them on the o
night stand next to the four vanilla scented candles.... lights off, air conditioning blowing on high. He will not sweat out my perm this time... yeah,  right! This man is a beast and I love it.. In the shower, I start daydreaming about our last session... He came over, ate my pussy for over an hour.. Slowly torturing me... Bringing me close to orgasm and then changing the pace..ugh! Driving me crazy... He would nibble on my lips.. Suck on my clit,  stick his tongue in my pussy.. then his fingers over and over..fast, slow... hard... deep... rubbing my G-spot until my bed sheets were soaked... Then he stuck his beautiful thick dick inside me... Very, very slowly.... He pushes it in so deep, I gasped..... I came so many times,  I'm not even sure he came once.. Before I know it,  my finger is in me... I deem is his finger on and out, in and out.. oooo.... oooh.... My eyes fly open and I remember he's on his way.. Shit! I'm about to start my own session without him...  I rinse off quickly.. Step out the shower dripping wet - in more places than one - and apply shea butter and baby oil gel all over me... Pat myself dry.... Throw on a barely there, barely covering anything robe and wait for my date with destiny....

Wondering

Hey you...

Sorry to be a drag but my minds on you, wondering about you.. if you're too good to true... The word you speak sound like music to me, almost melodic in pitch and sing-songy in tone..almost perfect to heart and mind..
Hey you..Sorry to drag this out but I feel different with you.. Too high,  too far gone with you.. I didn't want this to happen..not yet... I wanted to move at a steady pace..but I feel it spiraling outta control.. my heart is racing to you, toward you at an uncontrollable rate...trying to slow it down,  need to slow it down and my mind isn't helping..Showing me images of what could be,  what I would like to be...what I dreamed it to be.... hate this feeling....of being 15 again and not knowing the outcome....for the good or for the end... Not knowing the facts,  the answers or the desired destination... of love or naught.... of hate or trust.... of you..of me...of we.... fuck it,  of us.......

me....xo

Abstain

Maybe twenty years ago,  his swag,  his baggy clothes,  du-rag, rough talk,  nothing to offer but dick would have intrigued me.. would have excited me... would have made me think I was lucky to run up on this man. ..Shit, 20 years ago, I would have been up for the fight. .up for the challenge of making him over to what I needed and wanted. .up for the disappointment I knew would soon follow and up for the walking away,  only to find the next one,  doing the same,  being the same and looking the same. .. But this ain't then,  this is now and I'm tired..
Tired of the same bullshit. .. tired of the lies,  the half truths,  the hidden agendas,  the promises without follow thru and the sex.... I'm actually tired of sex... tired of the meaningless,  no emotion,  going thru the motions,  wondering how did I get here, when will he appear, not getting off, sex...
Today,  I'm ending my relationship with casual sex . I'm putting that muthafukka on notice. I'm letting her know,  I'm over it. Pass it and clearly through with it. . I'm focused.  Focused on him... focused on my future.....

Well, I got derailed a bit.. This guy was talking some off the wall stuff that I had to try... he said he wanted me to make him my slave. .. Whaaa.... lemme try that!! Turns out, I'm not built for the dominatrix lifestyle and sticking my finger in a man's ass while calling him a bitch doesn't do it for me; so, Im back to square one - saying no to casual sex...

Bad intentions

I had no intention on liking you. My intent was to go out with you, have an ok time with you and keep it moving, away from you.  I didn't expect to have fun with you,  laugh with you, have decent conversation with you or leave smiling because of you.. This was not my intent.. I broke my own rules for you. Rule #1: no small kids. Rule #2: No second chances... Broke em both for you.. You stood me up or waited too late.. either way we didn't go out as planned initially... Had I followed my own rules,  I wouldn't be writing this now... You wouldn't be reading this now. I couldn't have recited this now.  But you did it, round of applause for you.  You've accomplished whatever goal you set out to do and I applaud you.  I, on the other .hand, am left dangling without you.. I knew I fucked up when I slept with you.  I thought it was right.. thought our vibe was cool.. thought we were cool.. thought I was safe with you.. However,  as I left that morning, I felt our vibe shift, our world shifted. I knew that would be the last of anything between us, would be the last of everything between us.. I knew then we were through.. But you proved me wrong, showed me up, you called,  reached out even tho it felt, off. You continued to reach out with no real effort to link up... You already left.. So your sudden departure shouldn't have thrown me, yet,  it did. It threw me for a loop, put a monkey wrench in my program, threw shit in my game.. But it's cool.. I dig where you are, who and what you are... It's not you,  it's me.. Well.. it's not me,  it is you.. or us.. or we.. or nah..

Peace

The wrong guy

I think I fucked up.. I fell for the wrong guy.. He’s just my type: Tall, brown, big, muscular - looks like he could play pro football, beautiful with the biggest, prettiest smile I have ever seen on a man, coupled with low self esteem, a touch of insecurity and emotionally unavailable.. Just the way I like them! So why wouldn’t I fall for him? Sounds just like a dream come true, doesn’t he? “The Beautiful ones will hurt you every time”, ain’t that what Prince sang about?

I saw the signs, the red flags, the stop sign! But my pussy didn’t… She doesn’t have eyes or ears – just feelings. Her feelings lead her to think she’s in 8control… She thinks just because the dick feels good, going in slow and touching her most intimate spot and makes her quiver and shake and gets her super wet that she is in control. She thinks that filling her to capacity length and width, making the dick swell and get thicker and wider, that she is in control… She thinks because she is the one receiving and working overtime that she is indeed in control.. She thinks because she feels that she has a heart and she wants to live and love thru her heart that she is in control.  She thinks her feelings are more important than mine, but she is sadly mistaken… She thinks she does have a heart… a STRONG heart with an even STRONGER heartbeat and that's
the reason I fall in love thru my pussy all the time. 

Games

Let's play a new game… let’s start everything over game… let’s play fair and love right game… Let’s just be us and in this fight together game.. Why can’t I love you and you love me game? Why is there even a game? Why is there so much strife in this world that it makes it hard to navigate in this world…. Why does it matter where I stand or where I am in this world? Why can’t it all be so simple in this world… for this world … for our people… for our children… for us?

The Fun Guy

It seems strange to meet someone in an online group and never meet face to face; yet, this is my life. I met this tall, brown cutie in a Facebook group several months ago. The group I saw him in is very risqué. He posted a dick shot -- an amazing dick shot. Wait, let me explain... In this group, we share various things.We discuss relationships, dates, mishaps and general every day stuff, as well as, showing nude pictures and videos. I've seen him interact with different women and even witness some of his messages he sent to another woman, my friend. I was shocked when he was inboxed me. I didn't see the reason for him to be. Fuck he want, I thought? I mean, I knew what he wanted but didn't know why he was in my inbox... with the hello beautifuls and I hope you have a good day...yadda yadda yadda.. Man, please.. I gave him the side eye and deleted his messages and kept it moving. I didn't take him serious. Why would I? Look where I first saw him? Dick pic is where I was first introduced to him... first noticed him, SEEN him.. briefly saw his name, didn't know his name or couldn't recall it if asked, because I was focused on his man.. saw his man before I saw him... Fuck I'm taking him serious for?

A couple months passed and he pops up in my inbox again. This time I bite. I couldn't tell you why I did, I just did. We spoke briefly.. nothing heavy, very light. What's up? Nothing... and then nothing. This ping pong conversation lasted a few days, a couple weeks... Then, the conversation started getting longer..... and longer... and then he gave me his number. I stared at the number for a minute... a long minute.. Why should I call? Do I want to call? He's not serious... I didn't want to be serious I want to have fun... and he looks like he could be "fun". ...So let's have fun...

But for the fact that I've never seen him or been with him physically, amazes me. I'm amazed that I like him so much by mere conversation. That I want to be with him, sleep with him, wake up to him and be his....how can this be? How could this happen? This was supposed to be "fun".. that's it. . Let's have some fun, kick it, go eat and be out.. nowhere did it say, fall.... Fall? You mean, trip and skin your knee, fall, right? Or. .or. ..miss a step and fall, right? Not fall like have actual feelings for this man? Feelings like, I wonder where he is, what he's doing, did he eat, is he okay, does he need me or anything or I could really see myself with this guy feelings? How could this happen? Not to sound shallow but he is not my type. .. He's not tall enough or big enough.. and by big, I mean weight. I like them 6'3+ weighing 275 to 350lbs ...but he is deliciously chocolate and he has small children.... I'm so done with that, that baby momma drama bullshit.. I like men with grown children... the fuck am I thinking? But he does talk and will speak to me for hours on the phone... something that's very important to me. ..Our first conversation was filled with laughter, smiles and deep thought leaving me wanting more. .. I wanted to know more. I wanted him to be in town so I could see him, touch him, KNOW him. ..get to know the him that's in him, ya'mean? He made me rethink my "type"... He's made me rethink a lot of things. ..He's making me rethink this love thing again. .. He's making me want love again. ..He's making me wanna change my whole shit up and get close. ..let him get close. .let him in. .I'm curious to see if he can love me from the inside out...if he can touch my soul. .not just physically but emotionally, mentally? If he would allow himself to be opened to this love thing. ..? But, fuck. ...can we at least meet?

Love sick

I heard the pain in your voice,  the defeat,  the frustration,  the hurt... The realness of it all.. . I wanted to hold you,  love you, rub your beard and tell you everything would be okay. But I couldn't. . Not because you wouldn't let me but because you caused the pain. You pushed and pushed until the door slammed behind me. .. You see,  when I'm in your arms,  when I'm in your face,  when I'm with you. . in your bed,  I feel sexy, beautiful,  loved,  and wanted, but I felt none of those things.. I felt alone,  abandoned,  uncared for, unloved... So.. I went searching..  searching for something..for someone who would feed the need, give me the attention I craved, to fill the void that was left by you, by your presence, by your love... What I found. . Couldn't .compare, didn't measure up. Couldn't. . Measure. .. Up. He wasn't you. Plain and simple. He couldn't touch me like you. . Couldn't love me like you. .. couldn't... couldn't...fuck me like you. .. He simply.. wasn't..you. This isn't to gas you up or to blow smoke up ya ass.. It's what I'm feeling,  how I'm feeling and about who I'm loving ....I put pen to paper,  or finger to keyboard,  when I'm frustrated and need to release the thoughts swimming in my head. .. I wish you were my release,  my keyboard,  my pen and  paper. ..Shit, I wish you were a lot of things, I wish we were a lot things. I wish we could be a lot of things .. like us...

The ramblings of a love sick woman. ..

The Girl

I am the home girl,
the go to girl, 
the fun girl, 
the chill girl,
it's like hanging with my boys girl.
I'm that cool.
I am the one that soothes you, 
moves you,
uplifts you
and loves you.
I listen to your thoughts,
your dreams, 
your fears,
your wants
and your needs. ...
I am your everything....
Until some other need needs to be fulfilled then I'm the
...in the way girl, 
I need some space girl,
and it's not you but me girl
and I get my heart handed to me
and my back kicked in.
My  world turned upside down
until I make it right again. .
Then I'm the cool girl,
the I'll be aiiite girl,
the I'll pick up my pieces and move on girl .
Get back in the groove of being me..
Get back in the groove of loving me. ... No longer being that girl.
the pick up your pieces girl. .
to be your sounding board, 
your diary..
your everything girl.
Just me..
Picking up my pieces,
being my sounding board, 
my diary, 
my everything. ..
girl.