Breaking the Rules

I cant really pinpoint what it is about him or why I said okay to the second go round.  Do I like him? Yes, he's cool. Could I love him? I could.  But has he shown me anything that exhibits what I want in a man? Yes... He's shown me what I do want and what I don't want.  The fact that he doesn't check for me is a deal breaker even after we had the conversation.  He's making me second guess me... can't do it.  I want someone who wants me. I want him to call during the day. I want him to be anxious to see & hear from me as I would be from him.  I want him to respond to my messages, call me.  Show me what your words are saying....
My friend Gerald said to me, "instead of your fall back game being strong, why not make your fall IN game even stronger?" I wish I could.  I can't fight by myself. I can't love,  like,  hang by myself if I'm trying to make something happen with someone.
I'm not even saying goodbye... Hell he won't notice anyway.
Back to it....
I guess...

Second Guessing..

I guess..
I remember
The level of interest..
Before...
It's not the same...
I guess..
I remember
The look
The feel
The vibe
Before...
It's not the same..
It's shifted
Its different..
There's no hunt,
No fire
No.. trust
That I could give you my heart's
Security
I don't feel..
Secure.
I question
Myself
I second guess
Myself
Almost as if
I don't love
Myself
But I do..
And
I want to love you
But..
I want you
To love me too
I want to feel your love
Not your words
I'm
Tired
Of
Second
Guessing
You....

A hidden obvious

A hidden obvious is what he said and hiding in plain sight is what she said ..that's funny.. the irony of those statements are wild because I stand 5'10, barefoot  or taller in heels and weigh ,  eh,  enough. ..I'm not a small woman by no stretch of the imagination. I can't exactly hide if I wanted to.... I am an amazon by some standards. .an anomaly.. No way could I just fade into the background. .blend into my surroundings. .disappear... fade into nothingness.. fade to black. ...poof and I was never here... Yeah,  that would never  be me.

Daydreaming (naughty thoughts)

Laying on my back,  panting... Staring at him with incredulous eyes.... How can he make me do the things I do? My body betrays me every time..
My phone rang three hours ago... When I answered, a deep baritone voice says, on my way... I get ready.... I light candles from my front door to my bedroom..... I grab a bowl of strawberries and the whipped cream.. I place them on the o
night stand next to the four vanilla scented candles.... lights off, air conditioning blowing on high. He will not sweat out my perm this time... yeah,  right! This man is a beast and I love it.. In the shower, I start daydreaming about our last session... He came over, ate my pussy for over an hour.. Slowly torturing me... Bringing me close to orgasm and then changing the pace..ugh! Driving me crazy... He would nibble on my lips.. Suck on my clit,  stick his tongue in my pussy.. then his fingers over and over..fast, slow... hard... deep... rubbing my G-spot until my bed sheets were soaked... Then he stuck his beautiful thick dick inside me... Very, very slowly.... He pushes it in so deep, I gasped..... I came so many times,  I'm not even sure he came once.. Before I know it,  my finger is in me... I deem is his finger on and out, in and out.. oooo.... oooh.... My eyes fly open and I remember he's on his way.. Shit! I'm about to start my own session without him...  I rinse off quickly.. Step out the shower dripping wet - in more places than one - and apply shea butter and baby oil gel all over me... Pat myself dry.... Throw on a barely there, barely covering anything robe and wait for my date with destiny....

Wondering

Hey you...

Sorry to be a drag but my minds on you, wondering about you.. if you're too good to true... The word you speak sound like music to me, almost melodic in pitch and sing-songy in tone..almost perfect to heart and mind..
Hey you..Sorry to drag this out but I feel different with you.. Too high,  too far gone with you.. I didn't want this to happen..not yet... I wanted to move at a steady pace..but I feel it spiraling outta control.. my heart is racing to you, toward you at an uncontrollable rate...trying to slow it down,  need to slow it down and my mind isn't helping..Showing me images of what could be,  what I would like to be...what I dreamed it to be.... hate this feeling....of being 15 again and not knowing the outcome....for the good or for the end... Not knowing the facts,  the answers or the desired destination... of love or naught.... of hate or trust.... of you..of me...of we.... fuck it,  of us.......

me....xo

Abstain

Maybe twenty years ago,  his swag,  his baggy clothes,  du-rag, rough talk,  nothing to offer but dick would have intrigued me.. would have excited me... would have made me think I was lucky to run up on this man. ..Shit, 20 years ago, I would have been up for the fight. .up for the challenge of making him over to what I needed and wanted. .up for the disappointment I knew would soon follow and up for the walking away,  only to find the next one,  doing the same,  being the same and looking the same. .. But this ain't then,  this is now and I'm tired..
Tired of the same bullshit. .. tired of the lies,  the half truths,  the hidden agendas,  the promises without follow thru and the sex.... I'm actually tired of sex... tired of the meaningless,  no emotion,  going thru the motions,  wondering how did I get here, when will he appear, not getting off, sex...
Today,  I'm ending my relationship with casual sex . I'm putting that muthafukka on notice. I'm letting her know,  I'm over it. Pass it and clearly through with it. . I'm focused.  Focused on him... focused on my future.....

Well, I got derailed a bit.. This guy was talking some off the wall stuff that I had to try... he said he wanted me to make him my slave. .. Whaaa.... lemme try that!! Turns out, I'm not built for the dominatrix lifestyle and sticking my finger in a man's ass while calling him a bitch doesn't do it for me; so, Im back to square one - saying no to casual sex...

Bad intentions

I had no intention on liking you. My intent was to go out with you, have an ok time with you and keep it moving, away from you.  I didn't expect to have fun with you,  laugh with you, have decent conversation with you or leave smiling because of you.. This was not my intent.. I broke my own rules for you. Rule #1: no small kids. Rule #2: No second chances... Broke em both for you.. You stood me up or waited too late.. either way we didn't go out as planned initially... Had I followed my own rules,  I wouldn't be writing this now... You wouldn't be reading this now. I couldn't have recited this now.  But you did it, round of applause for you.  You've accomplished whatever goal you set out to do and I applaud you.  I, on the other .hand, am left dangling without you.. I knew I fucked up when I slept with you.  I thought it was right.. thought our vibe was cool.. thought we were cool.. thought I was safe with you.. However,  as I left that morning, I felt our vibe shift, our world shifted. I knew that would be the last of anything between us, would be the last of everything between us.. I knew then we were through.. But you proved me wrong, showed me up, you called,  reached out even tho it felt, off. You continued to reach out with no real effort to link up... You already left.. So your sudden departure shouldn't have thrown me, yet,  it did. It threw me for a loop, put a monkey wrench in my program, threw shit in my game.. But it's cool.. I dig where you are, who and what you are... It's not you,  it's me.. Well.. it's not me,  it is you.. or us.. or we.. or nah..

Peace