I deleted my online dating profile... I am tired of men wanting perfection..when in reality, they are far from it. I thought I found love. All signs pointed to him. We connected on so many levels. We laughed at the same jokes. We had fun together. I genuinely liked him. I was starting to fall for him in such a short span of time. We spent a lot of time together. It wasn't always going out or hanging out. Sometimes, we would chill at his place, listening to the radio or cds. Dancing, drinking, laughing.. connecting. Sometimes it wasn't about sex. It was about us connecting. He would tell me his secrets, his fears, his dreams. He would look me directly in my eyes and tell me what he was feeling and it felt genuine. I met him online. When I saw his picture, I knew. I knew he was the one for me. I can't explain it but I just knew. I was excited. I was giddy. I was nervous. I couldn't wait to meet him. I just knew.
When I meet a man, I'm all in, especially if they're all in. I'm open. I'm trusting. I'm faithful. I'm loyal. Especially, if they seem trustworthy, faithful, open and loyal... I need communication. I need to feel connected. I need to know that he's feeling what I'm feeling. I haven't learned that space is more.... I haven't learned to listen to myself when I feel a shift or feel that maybe I should pump my brakes. I felt that... I felt that tug that told me to slow it down...but my flesh was on full steam ahead. I wish there was a magic button to tell me to slow it down. No. I wish I would listen to that magic button that tells me to slow down...but what do you do when you think you've found, the one? I felt he was "the one". I felt he was my future. I felt it on every level, in every way and I guess, my actions showed that. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know the him in him. I wanted to know everything about him...not just surface shit. I wanted to know what made him tick. Why he did the things he did..? Why he thought the way he did? I wanted to be his best friend... but I felt a shift happen. He started to act differently. Had I listened with my ears and my brain, I would have noticed the shift sooner. I would have paid closer attention. I couldn't though. I was too far in and so was he.
I would catch him staring at me. If I didn't call all day, he would call to check on me. He was accommodating. He was compromising. He made me feel beautiful. When I would leave his place, he would watch my car until I disappeared around the corner. If he left before me, he would always give me the biggest wave and smile when he passed me. Whenever I would go to his place, I would text him that I'm downstairs. He would come down and walk me upstairs with his hand on the small of my back. He would give me the biggest hug and smell my hair. I loved that. That told me he missed me, missed my scent. When we would sit on the couch, a part of him would always be touching a part of me. He would always touch me. Sometimes, subtly and sometimes overtly but he would always touch me. I loved that. That showed me he cared enough to stay connected. When we would lay down, we never stop touching..always connected until we got up in the morning. I loved watching him dress in the morning. I loved that he didn't talk that much in the morning or was much of a morning person becuz neither am I.. I loved that he was a lil clingy without really being clingy. We were comfortable. Maybe a lil too comfortable... Maybe it felt too close for comfort... Maybe that's what scared him off...
I'm focusing over the good stuff becuz I don't want to think about the bad stuff. I don't want to think about the slights or the lack of communication or me feeling like I don't matter becuz when I'm with him, I do matter....at that moment. I don't want to think about him comparing me to the other women he has dated or to his ex wife. I don't want to think about him being afraid or shutting me out. I don't want to think about him distancing himself from me. I know what God has for me IS for me and I pray God has him for me.
The heart wants what the heart wants and it wants..........him.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
church..
I dated a man who told me that me not going to church was a deal breaker. Let me back up, when I first met this dude, who told me he was a church-going, God-fearing, bible-studying, fasting, Christian man who is looking for a God fearing woman, who he can grow in God with. I paused. I am God-fearing but I am not bible-studying or fasting. However, I've grown up in the church. I know God. I have a relationship with God. I talk to him on a daily basis but I don't go to church. He knows my heart. He knows me and loves me in spite of.
I wondered, while I was dating him and we were doing what "carnal" people do and no mention of church came up, would it really be a deal breaker? I noticed that I prayed before each meal; he didn't. I noticed that I had to encourage him when he was feeling doubts. And, I had to remind him of his faith but yet, me not going to church was a deal breaker. Actually, I didn't know it was a deal breaker until later. I sent him a text one day and told him, I didn't want to stay out late becuz I wanted to go to early service. He was excited. I had been wanting to go to church but hadn't found a church I felt comfortable in. A lot of churches in Atlanta are huge and about the benjamins. They're not about teaching the word and worshipping God, more like, pushing the dollar and worshipping money. Anyway, I was feeling out of sorts and empty so I decided maybe I need to go back. Maybe I should seek different counsel so I started going to church. The night I told him about my decision to go to church is when I found out he had an issue with me not going. He told me he was proud that I was going. He thought I didn't believe in God for whatever reason. (SN: We had a conversation about me being mad at God for taking my nephew. See, this is where effective communication and listening skills come in) I asked him early on if me not going to church would be a deal breaker and he said, no. I didn't understand if a God-fearing, fasting, bible-studying, church-going, Christian man would lie about having issues with me not going to church? What's the big deal? You feel how you feel right?
I started going to church. I went to a non denominational church and I felt odd. I decided I would give it a try becuz, 1: it's close to home. 2: the service is about an hour and fifteen minutes; and, 3: the message was good. However, the music was strange to me. I'm used to a more down home soul choir and here I sit listening to rock band style music. No one is catching the spirit. No one is, in my opinion, feeling it. They're all just standing around, singing softly and swaying...but not really MOVING.. I'm like ooookay. I look around the room and everyone seems to be into it...but me. 'I'm thinking to myself, am I in the Twilight Zone or what? I sometimes stream the service or actually go, but last night as I'm streaming and the pastor is speaking, I feel off. It feels off. THIS feels off. Now, I'm sitting at home, alone and I feel like this is b.s. This is not where I want to be. I need to be somewhere else, some PLACE else. I don't know if it's the church or me. I need to find out. I started to wonder if I am going to church for other people? Am I going becuz I "should" go or am I going becuz I want to go? The whole time I'm listening or watching, these questions are going thru my head. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I learning and do I actually believe what the pastor is saying? I don't. I think this particular church is a lil biased and I need to go someplace that I feel comfortable......but where?
I wondered, while I was dating him and we were doing what "carnal" people do and no mention of church came up, would it really be a deal breaker? I noticed that I prayed before each meal; he didn't. I noticed that I had to encourage him when he was feeling doubts. And, I had to remind him of his faith but yet, me not going to church was a deal breaker. Actually, I didn't know it was a deal breaker until later. I sent him a text one day and told him, I didn't want to stay out late becuz I wanted to go to early service. He was excited. I had been wanting to go to church but hadn't found a church I felt comfortable in. A lot of churches in Atlanta are huge and about the benjamins. They're not about teaching the word and worshipping God, more like, pushing the dollar and worshipping money. Anyway, I was feeling out of sorts and empty so I decided maybe I need to go back. Maybe I should seek different counsel so I started going to church. The night I told him about my decision to go to church is when I found out he had an issue with me not going. He told me he was proud that I was going. He thought I didn't believe in God for whatever reason. (SN: We had a conversation about me being mad at God for taking my nephew. See, this is where effective communication and listening skills come in) I asked him early on if me not going to church would be a deal breaker and he said, no. I didn't understand if a God-fearing, fasting, bible-studying, church-going, Christian man would lie about having issues with me not going to church? What's the big deal? You feel how you feel right?
I started going to church. I went to a non denominational church and I felt odd. I decided I would give it a try becuz, 1: it's close to home. 2: the service is about an hour and fifteen minutes; and, 3: the message was good. However, the music was strange to me. I'm used to a more down home soul choir and here I sit listening to rock band style music. No one is catching the spirit. No one is, in my opinion, feeling it. They're all just standing around, singing softly and swaying...but not really MOVING.. I'm like ooookay. I look around the room and everyone seems to be into it...but me. 'I'm thinking to myself, am I in the Twilight Zone or what? I sometimes stream the service or actually go, but last night as I'm streaming and the pastor is speaking, I feel off. It feels off. THIS feels off. Now, I'm sitting at home, alone and I feel like this is b.s. This is not where I want to be. I need to be somewhere else, some PLACE else. I don't know if it's the church or me. I need to find out. I started to wonder if I am going to church for other people? Am I going becuz I "should" go or am I going becuz I want to go? The whole time I'm listening or watching, these questions are going thru my head. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I learning and do I actually believe what the pastor is saying? I don't. I think this particular church is a lil biased and I need to go someplace that I feel comfortable......but where?
Thursday, December 27, 2012
My first love...
I come from a two parent household. Two siblings. An older sister and brother. I am the youngest. My mother is a strong, independent, college-educated woman. She worked as a social worker for many years. Mommy comes from a single parent household with a lot of siblings. My father is a strong, dominant man. He believed the man was the head of his household and that's how he ran his house. My father comes from a two parent household as well, although, my grandmother died when he was 11. In my father's family, the boys took care of the girls. Each boy was assigned a sister to look after and that philosophy holds true today. My father is military. He went to the Army at the age of 18 and retired when he was in his 40s. His military career was exemplary and he left the service with many medals and awards. The running joke in our family is my father is the original Forest Gump. He saved his entire battalion while taking bullets...(not in the but-tocks though lol). My father raised me to be independent and not to depend on a man but divorced my mother for the very same reason. She wasn't dependent enough. I heard my parents argue one time during their entire marriage of 23 years. My father is a beautiful man. He is tall.6'3. Chocolate. Slim. I wish I could say, I always felt this way about him but I didn't. My father was a strict disciplinarian. We would be put on punishment for the slightest thing. Not listening. Not coming in on time. Dishes not being washed. I remember when I got in trouble becuz I left the house early one week day and hung out w/my then boyfriend all day and turned his neckbones off.. How was I supposed to know they were to cook all day and he was depending on that meal when he got off work? Silly me. I had to stay in the house for two weeks after that... I was HOT! Shoo, it was summer too!
As I've gotten older, I began to realize that certain things my father made me do, I now do. I, too, like some semblence of order. His discipline raised me to be the woman I am today.. Independent, fiesty and a bit standoffish. His example shows me what I want in a man. His example showed me what a man is and does and what he should be. His example leaves me lonely.....
There are so many men out there who didn't have a strong man in their life and they don't know how to treat a woman. Either they don't know or don't care enough to know. My man has to be strong. He has to have a strong back and he has to be able to provide. He has to love me unconditionally and he has to be supportive. He has to be willing to deal w/my spoiledness and love mine as she was his... That's my father... My father would give us all Valentine's day candy and now I expect that if I'm dating someone. If I don't get it, it's a wrap. To me, it's the small things. My father has a sense of humor, now. We talk on the phone and crack up! When I was younger, not so much. My father is my first love and I'm looking for someone who has old school values in this new school world... someone who will love me unconditionally, support my goals and my dreams, listen to my fears, spoil me when I want it and stand up to me when I need it... hahaha that sounds like a dating ad... But that's what I need, deserve and expect.
As I've gotten older, I began to realize that certain things my father made me do, I now do. I, too, like some semblence of order. His discipline raised me to be the woman I am today.. Independent, fiesty and a bit standoffish. His example shows me what I want in a man. His example showed me what a man is and does and what he should be. His example leaves me lonely.....
There are so many men out there who didn't have a strong man in their life and they don't know how to treat a woman. Either they don't know or don't care enough to know. My man has to be strong. He has to have a strong back and he has to be able to provide. He has to love me unconditionally and he has to be supportive. He has to be willing to deal w/my spoiledness and love mine as she was his... That's my father... My father would give us all Valentine's day candy and now I expect that if I'm dating someone. If I don't get it, it's a wrap. To me, it's the small things. My father has a sense of humor, now. We talk on the phone and crack up! When I was younger, not so much. My father is my first love and I'm looking for someone who has old school values in this new school world... someone who will love me unconditionally, support my goals and my dreams, listen to my fears, spoil me when I want it and stand up to me when I need it... hahaha that sounds like a dating ad... But that's what I need, deserve and expect.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
The Past...
He stands 6'3. Chocolate complexion. Slim guy, who has gained weight thru the years but it looks good on him. He was always dressed sharp. Always perfectly accessorized. Always had the latest gear, the latest shoes, the latest everything..and always, took my breath away..until recently. We broke up in the late 90s and I thought my world would end. Actually, it did come crumbling down in a sense. I neglected my child, my friends and me during those "dark days". That's what I like to call that time in my life.. The "dark days".. cue music: dun dun dunnnn... I left him in a haze of exhaust fumes with pieces of my heart scattered on I295S... I left him when I finally got tired of the subterfuge of lies, games, and drama. Everyone around me was tired of the drama. My mother, my friends, me... but I still couldn't shake him. Even after the heartbreak.... even after the lies...even after the deception. I still felt connected to him, to Jersey, to everything...
I left Jersey in 2000 and started to settle into my new life in Georgia. But no one tells you when you're running from something it will follow you. No one prepares you for the road ahead.. There is no instructional manual. No guidelines. No rules. No step by step tutorial.. Just you and your wits. (If you got any) You have to forge ahead and deal with what comes... and that's what I did...or at least tried to do. I was still in constant contact with my past. Carefully, teetering a fine line to keep my past and present separate. Careful with the lies I told myself and the lies I told others. Careful not to mix the two or have them collide violently. Careful to manipulate the system just enough so I got what I needed and fuck anybody who got in my way... I was very careful... or so I thought.
My past came to visit me when I settled into my new place. The Queendom. My past wanted to see how I was living and if he could move down here. He came in on a Friday and we had a ball, that night. We went to a neighborhood spot with a few of my friends and had a good time. Dancing and drinking. Getting it in! I was glad he came. Maybe he will consider moving down. After we left my friends, we came back to my place and I decided to take a shower. Why did I do that? I came back to him sitting up in my bed and looking really crazy. I didn't think anything of it becuz I had been drinking. I thought he was just drunk. Unbeknownst to me, this dude had gone thru my things and found my journal. He read it and discovered I was seeing someone, who had a girlfriend, and I really liked him. He couldn't believe I could do such a thing. He got up in my face. I got up in his. He started yelling. I yelled back. He called me every name but my own. I returned the favor. He ran into my kitchen. I followed close behind. He's opening drawers and then I snap out of it. What is he looking for, I wondered. He grabs a knife and chases me back into my room..deep into my closet, pins me to the wall and he's holding the knife to my neck and he is screaming. I mean, this dude is belligerent. Crazy. Eyes wide open. Wild like a feral dog. I finally talk him down..well, God talked him down becuz I was scared shitless. We walk back into my room and he body slams me on the floor but my boot is there and I feel a crack and I know it's my ribs. I can't breathe. I can't cry. I'm in pain. Now what, genius? Who's idea was this again? Mine. Who's stupid now? Me. You know this cat is crazy. You know he has a jealous heart. Why would you leave your journal out? Damn that! Why would you invite him here? Becuz I thought he changed. I thought over time, he had changed.
Funny thing about time. Time makes you forget everything. Time makes you gloss over the bad parts of your life and focus on the good. Time makes you want to reconcile. Time makes you want to reconnect with what you lost and make everything better. Time is a lie. Had I been in my right frame of mind. I would have said, no, don't come when I felt that tinge in my gut as it came closer for him to come. Had I thought about it long and hard and LISTENED to my inner voice, I would have kept it moving...but noooo, here I am, laying on the floor with cracked ribs and a crazy man looming over me. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep, that night or the next. First I was in pain and second, I didn't trust him NOT to kill me in my sleep. He picked me up and apologized. He tried to hold me but I refused and plus I was in pain. The next day, we went to my best friend's house and I told her what happened when he went to the bathroom and she just stared at me. I shook my head and said, I know. He's acting like nothing ever happened. Acting so loving, that I actually throw up in the bathroom. Why didn't I kick him out you ask? Good question. I still don't have an answer as I think back on it now. I know I couldn't wait for Sunday morning when it was time for him to leave. On the way to the airport, I'm quiet. He wants to know "What's wrong, Lish?" Really? You have to ask. We "discuss" the fallout and where we,... excuse me, where I went wrong and I told him, you're right. I'm wrong. As we pull up to the airport, I tell him, don't worry about it.. He won't ever be welcomed back to my door again and I pull off leaving him standing on the curb...
As I drive away, my phone rings.. it's him... What could he possibly have to say? He can't make it better. He can't make my ribs stop hurting. He didn't even believe me when I told him I was in pain and holding my side... So why is he calling? To say what? Part of me is saying, don't answer and the other part of me...is picking up the phone, hitting accept and saying...Hello?
I left Jersey in 2000 and started to settle into my new life in Georgia. But no one tells you when you're running from something it will follow you. No one prepares you for the road ahead.. There is no instructional manual. No guidelines. No rules. No step by step tutorial.. Just you and your wits. (If you got any) You have to forge ahead and deal with what comes... and that's what I did...or at least tried to do. I was still in constant contact with my past. Carefully, teetering a fine line to keep my past and present separate. Careful with the lies I told myself and the lies I told others. Careful not to mix the two or have them collide violently. Careful to manipulate the system just enough so I got what I needed and fuck anybody who got in my way... I was very careful... or so I thought.
My past came to visit me when I settled into my new place. The Queendom. My past wanted to see how I was living and if he could move down here. He came in on a Friday and we had a ball, that night. We went to a neighborhood spot with a few of my friends and had a good time. Dancing and drinking. Getting it in! I was glad he came. Maybe he will consider moving down. After we left my friends, we came back to my place and I decided to take a shower. Why did I do that? I came back to him sitting up in my bed and looking really crazy. I didn't think anything of it becuz I had been drinking. I thought he was just drunk. Unbeknownst to me, this dude had gone thru my things and found my journal. He read it and discovered I was seeing someone, who had a girlfriend, and I really liked him. He couldn't believe I could do such a thing. He got up in my face. I got up in his. He started yelling. I yelled back. He called me every name but my own. I returned the favor. He ran into my kitchen. I followed close behind. He's opening drawers and then I snap out of it. What is he looking for, I wondered. He grabs a knife and chases me back into my room..deep into my closet, pins me to the wall and he's holding the knife to my neck and he is screaming. I mean, this dude is belligerent. Crazy. Eyes wide open. Wild like a feral dog. I finally talk him down..well, God talked him down becuz I was scared shitless. We walk back into my room and he body slams me on the floor but my boot is there and I feel a crack and I know it's my ribs. I can't breathe. I can't cry. I'm in pain. Now what, genius? Who's idea was this again? Mine. Who's stupid now? Me. You know this cat is crazy. You know he has a jealous heart. Why would you leave your journal out? Damn that! Why would you invite him here? Becuz I thought he changed. I thought over time, he had changed.
Funny thing about time. Time makes you forget everything. Time makes you gloss over the bad parts of your life and focus on the good. Time makes you want to reconcile. Time makes you want to reconnect with what you lost and make everything better. Time is a lie. Had I been in my right frame of mind. I would have said, no, don't come when I felt that tinge in my gut as it came closer for him to come. Had I thought about it long and hard and LISTENED to my inner voice, I would have kept it moving...but noooo, here I am, laying on the floor with cracked ribs and a crazy man looming over me. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep, that night or the next. First I was in pain and second, I didn't trust him NOT to kill me in my sleep. He picked me up and apologized. He tried to hold me but I refused and plus I was in pain. The next day, we went to my best friend's house and I told her what happened when he went to the bathroom and she just stared at me. I shook my head and said, I know. He's acting like nothing ever happened. Acting so loving, that I actually throw up in the bathroom. Why didn't I kick him out you ask? Good question. I still don't have an answer as I think back on it now. I know I couldn't wait for Sunday morning when it was time for him to leave. On the way to the airport, I'm quiet. He wants to know "What's wrong, Lish?" Really? You have to ask. We "discuss" the fallout and where we,... excuse me, where I went wrong and I told him, you're right. I'm wrong. As we pull up to the airport, I tell him, don't worry about it.. He won't ever be welcomed back to my door again and I pull off leaving him standing on the curb...
As I drive away, my phone rings.. it's him... What could he possibly have to say? He can't make it better. He can't make my ribs stop hurting. He didn't even believe me when I told him I was in pain and holding my side... So why is he calling? To say what? Part of me is saying, don't answer and the other part of me...is picking up the phone, hitting accept and saying...Hello?
Monday, December 3, 2012
Shamelessly Me....
Shamelessly me.. unabashed, unashamed, unafraid of being me... I am a tall, voluptuous black woman who is striving to become better.. Striving to do better. Striving to live better and striving to love better... love me, that is. Loving everyone else is easy. I can love anyone... I can pick them up. Be their cheerleader. Tell them a better way to do things. Believe that they will accomplish all they set out to and cheer, cry, laugh, or whatever they need along the way. I can listen to them talk until they get it out, crack a joke, make them feel better and keep it moving. In their eyes, I am strong. I am resilient. I am impenetrable. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am confident. I am aloof. I am standoffish. I am moody and I am NOT a cheerleader. Sometimes, I don't want to lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on or my point of view. Sometimes I simply want to be vulnerable. Sometimes, I want to be able to call someone and cry unabashedly. Just yell and scream at the heavens, WHY MEEEE?! (But then I would have to scream Why Me when times are good too.) I simply want to be me. I don't want to be a cheerleader. I just want to be... at times. I know I give the vibe that I don't need anyone to lift me up. I know I carry myself with such confidence that it would seem I don't "need" anything...that is such a lie. My famous line is, I'm going to take a nap. It will make me feel better. That's my way of hiding. It's my way of shutting out the world and going deep inside myself and being me. Although, lately, a nap simply ain't doing it...
Simply put, I cannot hide from myself. No matter how many naps I take, no matter how deep I sleep, I cannot forever choose to sleepwalk. Yes, I must look within and see what's going on with me. I have to find out why I make the moves I make. Why I let pride lead the way. Why I let my ego get the best of me... why I choose not to be vulnerable in front of those closest to me? What am I afraid of? Why am I hiding...and when will I let myself breathe.....?
Simply put, I cannot hide from myself. No matter how many naps I take, no matter how deep I sleep, I cannot forever choose to sleepwalk. Yes, I must look within and see what's going on with me. I have to find out why I make the moves I make. Why I let pride lead the way. Why I let my ego get the best of me... why I choose not to be vulnerable in front of those closest to me? What am I afraid of? Why am I hiding...and when will I let myself breathe.....?
heartbreak
Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? I mean you are, literally, gasping for air, heaving, can't get enough oxygen to your lungs, sucking in air as fast as you can because you feel as if you're going to die? Tears stinging the back of your eyes, threatening to escape because the lack of oxygen is too much too handle.. to even concieve... You literally feel like you're going to die... That feeling to me is the equivalent of heartbreak. It feels as if every breath you take that your heart is breaking. How can something that is clearing mental emit such a harsh and physical pain? How is it that you don't even think about your heart until it feels as if it's about to jump through your chest..break thru the breastbone and land in your hands... broken. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. Heartbreak is undeniable, unquestionable the worst pain in the world. I'd rather go thru child birth again before I get my heart broken again. Childbirth only lasts for a while and you can get medication for the pain to stop.. Heartbreak takes time to get over.. There is no medication in the world that can stop that pain. You can drink it, smoke it, snort it (whatever your vice) away but it will slowly creep back to the surface. As soon as you think, you're healing and you're ready to try your hand at love again..BAM! In walks heartbreak..aha! You thought I forgot ya didn't you? Then it's back to the sobs, the tears, the depression, the lackadaisical attitude, no enthusiasm..nothing. Just emptiness... (I can't write this bullshit.. lol)
Where's my brother to tell me: man up! lol
Where's my brother to tell me: man up! lol
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