Shamelessly Me....

Shamelessly me.. unabashed, unashamed, unafraid of being me... I am a tall, voluptuous black woman who is striving to become better.. Striving to do better. Striving to live better and striving to love better... love me, that is. Loving everyone else is easy. I can love anyone... I can pick them up. Be their cheerleader. Tell them a better way to do things. Believe that they will accomplish all they set out to and cheer, cry, laugh, or whatever they need along the way. I can listen to them talk until they get it out, crack a joke, make them feel better and keep it moving. In their eyes, I am strong. I am resilient. I am impenetrable. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am confident. I am aloof. I am standoffish. I am moody and I am NOT a cheerleader. Sometimes, I don't want to lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on or my point of view. Sometimes I simply want to be vulnerable. Sometimes, I want to be able to call someone and cry unabashedly. Just yell and scream at the heavens, WHY MEEEE?! (But then I would have to scream Why Me when times are good too.) I simply want to be me.  I don't want to be a cheerleader. I just want to be... at times. I know I give the vibe that I don't need anyone to lift me up. I know I carry myself with such confidence that it would seem I don't "need" anything...that is such a lie. My famous line is, I'm going to take a nap. It will make me feel better. That's my way of hiding. It's my way of shutting out the world and going deep inside myself and being me.  Although, lately, a nap simply ain't doing it...

Simply put, I cannot hide from myself. No matter how many naps I take, no matter how deep I sleep, I cannot forever choose to sleepwalk. Yes, I must look within and see what's going on with me. I have to find out why I make the moves I make. Why I let pride lead the way. Why I let my ego get the best of me... why I choose not to be vulnerable in front of those closest to me? What am I afraid of? Why am I hiding...and when will I let myself breathe.....?