Him...

I deleted my online dating profile... I am tired of men wanting perfection..when in reality, they are far from it. I thought I found love. All signs pointed to him. We connected on so many levels. We laughed at the same jokes. We had fun together. I genuinely liked him. I was starting to fall for him in such a short span of time. We spent a lot of time together. It wasn't always going out or hanging out. Sometimes, we would chill at his place, listening to the radio or cds. Dancing, drinking, laughing.. connecting. Sometimes it wasn't about sex. It was about us connecting. He would tell me his secrets, his fears, his dreams. He would look me directly in my eyes and tell me what he was feeling and it felt genuine. I met him online. When I saw his picture, I knew. I knew he was the one for me. I can't explain it but I just knew. I was excited. I was giddy. I was nervous. I couldn't wait to meet him. I just knew.

When I meet a man, I'm all in, especially if they're all in. I'm open. I'm trusting. I'm faithful. I'm loyal. Especially, if they seem trustworthy, faithful, open and loyal... I need communication. I need to feel connected. I need to know that he's feeling what I'm feeling. I haven't learned that space is more.... I haven't learned to listen to myself when I feel a shift or feel that maybe I should pump my brakes. I felt that... I felt that tug that told me to slow it down...but my flesh was on full steam ahead. I wish there was a magic button to tell me to slow it down. No. I wish I would listen to that magic button that tells me to slow down...but what do you do when you think you've found, the one?  I felt he was "the one". I felt he was my future. I felt it on every level, in every way and I guess, my actions showed that. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know the him in him. I wanted to know everything about him...not just surface shit. I wanted to know what made him tick. Why he did the things he did..? Why he thought the way he did? I wanted to be his best friend... but I felt a shift happen. He started to act differently. Had I listened with my ears and my brain, I would have noticed the shift sooner. I would have paid closer attention. I couldn't though. I was too far in and so was he.

I would catch him staring at me. If I didn't call all day, he would call to check on me. He was accommodating. He was compromising. He made me feel beautiful. When I would leave his place, he would watch my car until I disappeared around the corner. If he left before me, he would always give me the biggest wave and smile when he passed me. Whenever I would go to his place, I would text him that I'm downstairs. He would come down and walk me upstairs with his hand on the small of my back. He would give me the biggest hug and smell my hair. I loved that. That told me he missed me, missed my scent. When we would sit on the couch, a part of him would always be touching a part of me. He would always touch me. Sometimes, subtly and sometimes overtly but he would always touch me. I loved that. That showed me he cared enough to stay connected. When we would lay down, we never stop touching..always connected until we got up in the morning. I loved watching him dress in the morning. I loved that he didn't talk that much in the morning or was much of a morning person becuz neither am I.. I loved that he was a lil clingy without really being clingy. We were comfortable. Maybe a lil too comfortable... Maybe it felt too close for comfort... Maybe that's what scared him off...

I'm focusing over the good stuff becuz I don't want to think about the bad stuff. I don't want to think about the slights or the lack of communication or me feeling like I don't matter becuz when I'm with him, I do matter....at that moment.  I don't want to think about him comparing me to the other women he has dated or to his ex wife. I don't want to think about him being afraid or shutting me out. I don't want to think about him distancing himself from me. I know what God has for me IS for me and I pray God has him for me. 

The heart wants what the heart wants and it wants..........him.