church..

I dated a man who told me that me not going to church was a deal breaker. Let me back up, when I first met this dude, who told me he was a church-going, God-fearing, bible-studying, fasting, Christian man who is looking for a God fearing woman, who he can grow in God with. I paused. I am God-fearing but I am not bible-studying or fasting. However, I've grown up in the church. I know God. I have a relationship with God. I talk to him on a daily basis but I don't go to church. He knows my heart. He knows me and loves me in spite of.

I wondered, while I was dating him and we were doing what "carnal" people do and no mention of church came up, would it really be a deal breaker?  I noticed that I prayed before each meal; he didn't. I noticed that I had to encourage him when he was feeling doubts. And, I had to remind him of his faith but yet, me not going to church was a deal breaker. Actually, I didn't know it was a deal breaker until later. I sent him a text one day and told him, I didn't want to stay out late becuz I wanted to go to early service. He was excited. I had been wanting to go to church but hadn't found a church I felt comfortable in. A lot of churches in Atlanta are huge and about the benjamins. They're not about teaching the word and worshipping God, more like, pushing the dollar and worshipping money. Anyway, I was feeling out of sorts and empty so I decided maybe I need to go back. Maybe I should seek different counsel so I started going to church. The night I told him about my decision to go to church is when I found out he had an issue with me not going. He told me he was proud that I was going. He thought I didn't believe in God for whatever reason. (SN: We had a conversation about me being mad at God for taking my nephew. See, this is where effective communication and listening skills come in) I asked him early on if me not going to church would be a deal breaker and he said, no. I didn't understand if a God-fearing, fasting, bible-studying, church-going,  Christian man would lie about having issues with me not going to church? What's the big deal? You feel how you feel right? 

I started going to church. I went to a non denominational church and I felt odd. I decided I would give it a try becuz, 1: it's close to home. 2: the service is about an hour and fifteen minutes; and, 3: the message was good. However, the music was strange to me. I'm used to a more down home soul choir and here I sit listening to rock band style music. No one is catching the spirit. No one is, in my opinion, feeling it. They're all just standing around, singing softly and swaying...but not really MOVING.. I'm like ooookay. I look around the room and everyone seems to be into it...but me. 'I'm thinking to myself, am I in the Twilight Zone or what? I sometimes stream the service or actually go, but last night as I'm streaming and the pastor is speaking, I feel off. It feels off. THIS feels off.  Now, I'm sitting at home, alone and I feel like this is b.s. This is not where I want to be. I need to be somewhere else, some PLACE else. I don't know if it's the church or me. I need to find out. I started to wonder if I am going to church for other people? Am I going becuz I "should" go or am I going becuz I want to go? The whole time I'm listening or watching, these questions are going thru my head. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I learning and do I actually believe what the pastor is saying? I don't. I think this particular church is a lil biased and I need to go someplace that I feel comfortable......but where?