Heartbroken

He reached out and I pause
Memories drift back like flood waters after rainstorms
My mind starts to race and a smile creeps on my face.
Wait....
Then I remember
He hurt me...

Reminisce

My thoughts turn to you
Wishing wondering thinking
What it will be like to be with you
I mean, what it would be like to BE with you..
So,
I reminisce about your kisses
The gentleness and ease of them
Thinking I could get lost in them
I reminisce about your touch
How I want your hands all over me
From the top to bottom
Front to back
And everything in between
I reminisce about you
Now this ain't a love type poem
Nah, it's not that
It's more of a I'm thinking of you
And missing your kiss type poem
That's why I reminisce about you...

~~Shamelessly Me 

The Good of Me

I gloss over the good so I can focus on the bad.

That's my coping mechanism. 

If I focus on the good,

I see rainbows,  gum drops and sunny days.

I see us happy,  smiling and laughing. 

I see us loving each other with kind words and soft kisses.

I see us holding hands,  tight hugs, and candle lit dinners. 

I see us making love,  pillow talk and snoring.

I see us walking hand in hand not wanting to let go but knowing we have to. 

I see us being us....

However,  focus like that will have me pressing send by your name,  hoping,  praying you answer so I can hear the what's up babe again

Focus like that will have me sending hearts and I miss you messages..

Focus like that will have me in my feelings and regretting my decision: to love me more and you, less...

Focus like that will get me hurt...

Waiting for that heart break

So,  

I focus on the bad. 

Focusing on the bad is my coping mechanism.

It helps me get thru things like this.

Like, remembering you being too busy and not loving me right. 

It helps me to see the craquelure in the pictures. 

The shaky foundation.

The no calls.

The unreturned texts.

Radio silence.

The arguments over bullshit.

The feeling of inadequacy.

The feeling of insecurity.

The feeling of not being enough...

The feeling of I won't ever find him. 

The feeling of emptiness, a sense of loss and nothing,

Esp the feeling of nothing..

So I focus on the bad. 

However I now focus on the good of me...

I focus on finishing my book,

My laugh when I find something hilarious..

My loyalty to my friends,  

My heart which is made of gold..  

My mind when I'm intrigued,

My hands as I put fingers to keyboard and my smile that's so inviting...

No longer will I focus on the bad of him..

I will focus on the good of me..
That is my new coping mechanism
That is my new strategy..

Shiiit… all this goodness and mercy why wouldn’t it be?!

 

Nothing

The fact that you are here stuns me

I’ve waited for this moment for a while

I wanted you in that exact same spot where you stand

And I wanted you to know I care

But you knew

You just didn’t know the depth

That I loved you..

Or the breadth it took to expel those words

To you

Only to receive nothing in return

Even though nothing is all I expected

When it comes to you

For us

About us

Between us

Which is really

Nothing.

My perfect world

Let me close my eyes and dream for a minute...

In a perfect world, he would be mine and..

He would call me his...

He would call when he needs me, when he wants to see me and when he wants to love me...

He would voice his opinion about the happenings in my life.

Because....

He would love me.



He would hold my hand and rub my booty..

He would tell me everything is ok and show me that it is so..

He would send me flowers, write me love letters, and make sure I was aiiite...

Why?

Because...

He would love me.



He would think everything I did was perfect and that I was perfect too...

He would engage me in intellectual conversation, be intrigued by my thoughts, my mind, and my words. .

Mentally, he would love me.



He would wrap his arms around me and pull me into a tight embrace. He would kiss me like he missed me, caress my face while he kissed me, and move his hands down up and my body..

Physically, he would love me.



He would love my wounds, kiss my tears, erase my fears and nurture my dreams..

He would find my dark spaces, caress them into submission, bring light to the darkness..

And manifest my dreams into fruition..

Emotionally, he would love me.

Physically, he would stand a head taller than me, and will be strong enough to carry all my burdens..

He would take the brunt of my sorrows.

He would place my woes on his broad shoulders..

He would pray with me and for me, shelter me, and provide for me..

As the head of my home, he would take care of me. ..

Ideally, he would love me. .

Unconditionally, he would love me..

I’m not talking about that microwave type love..

More like that 350 degrees type love

That slow burning slow cooking, that low simmering to high heat type love. ..

Without provocation..

Without hesitation...

Knowing it could be an inconvenience

But..

In a blink of an eye...

Without question...

He would love me..



Simply put, without a doubt..

in a perfect world..

or in my dreams..

with my eyes wide open



He would love me. .

Don't Wanna.....

I don't have the urge to write
I don't wanna put words to paper
I don't wanna write long ass sentences
That kinda rhyme but don't
That make sense sometimes or won't
That evokes an emotion or sparks a conversation
That talks about stoning someone or wishing damnation
Having someone say, damn I can relate
Is that real life or something fake

I don't wanna write..
Dont wanna put pen to paper
Write my thoughts down so the world can see
How fucked up my thinking really can be
Shit, how fucked up I can really  be
Twisted and sad
Happy or mad
In love or broken hearted
Like why did I even get this started
Satisfied and unsettled
Feeling insecure
Or downright arrogant
I just don't feel up to it
Not in for the fight
Staring at a blank page
Willing myself to write

~~Shamelessly Me

Anticipation

I anticipate your call
To see your name appear on my screen makes me giddy
To hear you say my name or call me baby
Makes my stomach flip

I anticipate seeing you
Just the thought of being near
Makes me smile
To lay beside you or sit next to you
Makes my skin flush

I anticipate your eyes
The way you look at me
Makes me want to dive headfirst deep into the brown pools of your abyss
Makes me want to know the you in you

I anticipate your touch
To feel your hand against me
Makes me warm
Makes my girl wake up
Makes her creamy
And anxious

I anticipate the first kiss
Your face close to mine
Lips pressing against mine
Makes my heart flutter
My breath quicken
My mouth water
my eyes close
I exhale

I anticipate the first push
The slight gasp that involuntarily  escapes me
The slight twinge of pain as you go slide farther
The slight barely there vibration against you when you're deeper

I anticipate the explosion...
The way you push me down so I can feel all of you
Makes me want to carry a piece of you wth me
Makes me feel like this is all mine
Like we could have this feeling forever

I anticipate us
I anticipate being a team,
I anticipate being a we,
I anticipate
                     being
                                in
                                     love