The Good of Me

I gloss over the good so I can focus on the bad.

That's my coping mechanism. 

If I focus on the good,

I see rainbows,  gum drops and sunny days.

I see us happy,  smiling and laughing. 

I see us loving each other with kind words and soft kisses.

I see us holding hands,  tight hugs, and candle lit dinners. 

I see us making love,  pillow talk and snoring.

I see us walking hand in hand not wanting to let go but knowing we have to. 

I see us being us....

However,  focus like that will have me pressing send by your name,  hoping,  praying you answer so I can hear the what's up babe again

Focus like that will have me sending hearts and I miss you messages..

Focus like that will have me in my feelings and regretting my decision: to love me more and you, less...

Focus like that will get me hurt...

Waiting for that heart break

So,  

I focus on the bad. 

Focusing on the bad is my coping mechanism.

It helps me get thru things like this.

Like, remembering you being too busy and not loving me right. 

It helps me to see the craquelure in the pictures. 

The shaky foundation.

The no calls.

The unreturned texts.

Radio silence.

The arguments over bullshit.

The feeling of inadequacy.

The feeling of insecurity.

The feeling of not being enough...

The feeling of I won't ever find him. 

The feeling of emptiness, a sense of loss and nothing,

Esp the feeling of nothing..

So I focus on the bad. 

However I now focus on the good of me...

I focus on finishing my book,

My laugh when I find something hilarious..

My loyalty to my friends,  

My heart which is made of gold..  

My mind when I'm intrigued,

My hands as I put fingers to keyboard and my smile that's so inviting...

No longer will I focus on the bad of him..

I will focus on the good of me..
That is my new coping mechanism
That is my new strategy..

Shiiit… all this goodness and mercy why wouldn’t it be?!