The wrong guy

I think I fucked up.. I fell for the wrong guy.. He’s just my type: Tall, brown, big, muscular - looks like he could play pro football, beautiful with the biggest, prettiest smile I have ever seen on a man, coupled with low self esteem, a touch of insecurity and emotionally unavailable.. Just the way I like them! So why wouldn’t I fall for him? Sounds just like a dream come true, doesn’t he? “The Beautiful ones will hurt you every time”, ain’t that what Prince sang about?

I saw the signs, the red flags, the stop sign! But my pussy didn’t… She doesn’t have eyes or ears – just feelings. Her feelings lead her to think she’s in 8control… She thinks just because the dick feels good, going in slow and touching her most intimate spot and makes her quiver and shake and gets her super wet that she is in control. She thinks that filling her to capacity length and width, making the dick swell and get thicker and wider, that she is in control… She thinks because she is the one receiving and working overtime that she is indeed in control.. She thinks because she feels that she has a heart and she wants to live and love thru her heart that she is in control.  She thinks her feelings are more important than mine, but she is sadly mistaken… She thinks she does have a heart… a STRONG heart with an even STRONGER heartbeat and that's
the reason I fall in love thru my pussy all the time. 

Games

Let's play a new game… let’s start everything over game… let’s play fair and love right game… Let’s just be us and in this fight together game.. Why can’t I love you and you love me game? Why is there even a game? Why is there so much strife in this world that it makes it hard to navigate in this world…. Why does it matter where I stand or where I am in this world? Why can’t it all be so simple in this world… for this world … for our people… for our children… for us?

The Fun Guy

It seems strange to meet someone in an online group and never meet face to face; yet, this is my life. I met this tall, brown cutie in a Facebook group several months ago. The group I saw him in is very risqué. He posted a dick shot -- an amazing dick shot. Wait, let me explain... In this group, we share various things.We discuss relationships, dates, mishaps and general every day stuff, as well as, showing nude pictures and videos. I've seen him interact with different women and even witness some of his messages he sent to another woman, my friend. I was shocked when he was inboxed me. I didn't see the reason for him to be. Fuck he want, I thought? I mean, I knew what he wanted but didn't know why he was in my inbox... with the hello beautifuls and I hope you have a good day...yadda yadda yadda.. Man, please.. I gave him the side eye and deleted his messages and kept it moving. I didn't take him serious. Why would I? Look where I first saw him? Dick pic is where I was first introduced to him... first noticed him, SEEN him.. briefly saw his name, didn't know his name or couldn't recall it if asked, because I was focused on his man.. saw his man before I saw him... Fuck I'm taking him serious for?

A couple months passed and he pops up in my inbox again. This time I bite. I couldn't tell you why I did, I just did. We spoke briefly.. nothing heavy, very light. What's up? Nothing... and then nothing. This ping pong conversation lasted a few days, a couple weeks... Then, the conversation started getting longer..... and longer... and then he gave me his number. I stared at the number for a minute... a long minute.. Why should I call? Do I want to call? He's not serious... I didn't want to be serious I want to have fun... and he looks like he could be "fun". ...So let's have fun...

But for the fact that I've never seen him or been with him physically, amazes me. I'm amazed that I like him so much by mere conversation. That I want to be with him, sleep with him, wake up to him and be his....how can this be? How could this happen? This was supposed to be "fun".. that's it. . Let's have some fun, kick it, go eat and be out.. nowhere did it say, fall.... Fall? You mean, trip and skin your knee, fall, right? Or. .or. ..miss a step and fall, right? Not fall like have actual feelings for this man? Feelings like, I wonder where he is, what he's doing, did he eat, is he okay, does he need me or anything or I could really see myself with this guy feelings? How could this happen? Not to sound shallow but he is not my type. .. He's not tall enough or big enough.. and by big, I mean weight. I like them 6'3+ weighing 275 to 350lbs ...but he is deliciously chocolate and he has small children.... I'm so done with that, that baby momma drama bullshit.. I like men with grown children... the fuck am I thinking? But he does talk and will speak to me for hours on the phone... something that's very important to me. ..Our first conversation was filled with laughter, smiles and deep thought leaving me wanting more. .. I wanted to know more. I wanted him to be in town so I could see him, touch him, KNOW him. ..get to know the him that's in him, ya'mean? He made me rethink my "type"... He's made me rethink a lot of things. ..He's making me rethink this love thing again. .. He's making me want love again. ..He's making me wanna change my whole shit up and get close. ..let him get close. .let him in. .I'm curious to see if he can love me from the inside out...if he can touch my soul. .not just physically but emotionally, mentally? If he would allow himself to be opened to this love thing. ..? But, fuck. ...can we at least meet?

Love sick

I heard the pain in your voice,  the defeat,  the frustration,  the hurt... The realness of it all.. . I wanted to hold you,  love you, rub your beard and tell you everything would be okay. But I couldn't. . Not because you wouldn't let me but because you caused the pain. You pushed and pushed until the door slammed behind me. .. You see,  when I'm in your arms,  when I'm in your face,  when I'm with you. . in your bed,  I feel sexy, beautiful,  loved,  and wanted, but I felt none of those things.. I felt alone,  abandoned,  uncared for, unloved... So.. I went searching..  searching for something..for someone who would feed the need, give me the attention I craved, to fill the void that was left by you, by your presence, by your love... What I found. . Couldn't .compare, didn't measure up. Couldn't. . Measure. .. Up. He wasn't you. Plain and simple. He couldn't touch me like you. . Couldn't love me like you. .. couldn't... couldn't...fuck me like you. .. He simply.. wasn't..you. This isn't to gas you up or to blow smoke up ya ass.. It's what I'm feeling,  how I'm feeling and about who I'm loving ....I put pen to paper,  or finger to keyboard,  when I'm frustrated and need to release the thoughts swimming in my head. .. I wish you were my release,  my keyboard,  my pen and  paper. ..Shit, I wish you were a lot of things, I wish we were a lot things. I wish we could be a lot of things .. like us...

The ramblings of a love sick woman. ..

The Girl

I am the home girl,
the go to girl, 
the fun girl, 
the chill girl,
it's like hanging with my boys girl.
I'm that cool.
I am the one that soothes you, 
moves you,
uplifts you
and loves you.
I listen to your thoughts,
your dreams, 
your fears,
your wants
and your needs. ...
I am your everything....
Until some other need needs to be fulfilled then I'm the
...in the way girl, 
I need some space girl,
and it's not you but me girl
and I get my heart handed to me
and my back kicked in.
My  world turned upside down
until I make it right again. .
Then I'm the cool girl,
the I'll be aiiite girl,
the I'll pick up my pieces and move on girl .
Get back in the groove of being me..
Get back in the groove of loving me. ... No longer being that girl.
the pick up your pieces girl. .
to be your sounding board, 
your diary..
your everything girl.
Just me..
Picking up my pieces,
being my sounding board, 
my diary, 
my everything. ..
girl.

Strides...

In my 45 years, I'm learning to breathe... I'm learning to take life as it comes - in ebbs and flows - hills and valleys... I'm learning to be an adult.. A grown up, I guess. I'm learning to stand still and not fight every battle. I'm learning to let things flow, let some things go...  Let them happen as they may, if you will.. I'm learning to... not run. I'm learning to stand my ground... To walk confidently.. Take long, deliberate strides... To not measure my steps but make sure every step count.... Every breath count... Every word count... Taking the time to make sure I count...
I say all the time, I am Enough.. I tell everybody that.. I tell them to pass it on... Because I believe if everyone realizes that they matter, then the world will become a better, more stable, loving place to live in..  If I love myself and my neighbor loves themselves and their neighbor loves themselves then how can hate survive.. Who can be against us... Who can be against.... love? Love conquers all.. not some or a little bit but all.. Love... my most favorite thing in the world... To be loved and to love... It is a truly awesome feeling...  But #whereheatdoe?  He's around.. He's coming and he's coming for me... like gangbusters... He's going to love me like I have never been loved before and he will WANT to love me.. I won't have to poke him.. prod him... conjole him into loving me... Bitch about him not loving me or asking, "Where do we stand? "Where do I stand?" "What are we doing?" "What's going on with us?"... or feelimg pathetic and unloved, unwanted, and pushed aside... Nah, this cat is gonna love because HE. WILL. LOVE. ME. Even on the days where I feel unloved, unworthy to be love and needing to be coddled... HE WILL LOVE ME.... even when I am bitchy towards him or mean, or evil or even being hateful.. He will understand that this is me... This is who I am.... Moody, melancholy, standoffish, sometimes introverted, sometimes loud, curse a LOT and can go from 0 to Jersey in 2.5 seconds flat... Just sit in the car with me for five minutes and the light turns green and the person in the car ahead of me just sits there... BLAM! BLAM! What are you doing?! I will scream.. Don'tcha see the light, asshole?!?! Or let someone say something to my baby... Maaan, you don't want this problem.... But hey, this is me... A work in progress..... A work in progress who is learning to breathe... Learning to go with the flow.. Learning to take life as it comes.. in ebbs and flows.. hills and valleys.. love and unloved.. yet standing still.. not running... not walking either.. Just taking slow, confident, long, deliberate strides.... to my destiny... my future... my love... my life....

a

Where's the fun?

The fact that I've never seen him or been with him physically, amazes me. ..
I'm amazed that I like him so much..that I want to be with him, sleep with him, wake up to him and be his....how can this be? How could this happen? This was supposed to be "fun".. that's it. . Let's have some fun, kick it, go eat, have more fun and be out.. nowhere did it say, fall.... Fall? You mean, trip and skin your knee, fall, right? Or. .or. ..miss a step and bust ya ass, fall, right? Not fall like have actual feelings for this man? Feelings like, I wonder where he is, what he's doing, did he eat, is he okay, does he need me or anything or I could really see myself with this guy feelings? How could this happen? Not to sound shallow but he is not my type. .. He's not tall enough or big enough.. and by big, I mean weight. I like them 6'3+ weighing 275 to 350lbs ...but he is deliciously chocolate and he has small children.... I'm so done with that, that baby momma drama bullshit.. I like men with grown children... the fuck am I thinking? But he does talk and will speak with me for hours on the phone... something that's very important to me. ..Our first conversation was filled with laughter, smiles and deep thoughts leaving me wanting more. .. I wanted to know more. I wanted him to be in town so I could see him, touch him, KNOW him. ..get to know the him that's in him, ya'mean? He made me rethink my "type"... He's made me rethink a lot of things. ..He's making me rethink this love thing again. .. He's making me want love again. ..He's making me wanna change my whole shit up and get close. ..let him get close. .let him in. .I'm curious to see if he can love me from the inside out...if he can touch my soul. .not just physically but emotionally, mentally? If he would allow himself to be open to this love thing. ..? But, fuck. ...can we at least meet?