Love lost....

When the love is gone but remnants of it lies beneath the surface ...You try your best to recapture the feeling..

I cannot articulate how insignificant I feel or how inadequate I feel when it comes to you.. You don't make me feel these things, I feel them as if they are so and it's only with you. I pushed you away from the beginning. The more I was around you, the more insecure I felt. The more I would question the why's and the hows... Like did you really care? Could we really be more than we are? I know my behavior caused you to move further away from me. I know the crazy texts, not answering the phone, the temper tantrums all pushed you away. I just felt unworthy, unloveable.... Not meeting any of your people heightened my anxiety.. Not knowing certain things, simple things about you added fuel to my fire as well. However, this was all me. All in my head, yet with anyone else, none of this would be a factor. I’ve placed you on this pedestal of perfection. You seem to have it all. The Golden Boy, I called you on my head. It seems you do all the right things. Say all the right things. Love the right way and I'm none of that.. I am imperfect. Foundation cracked. Picture skewed, not quite straight. Living under the umbra of doubt of missteps and uncertainty even at this age. Esp at this age. Who would want that? Who would want this? Who wants someone unsettled, unstable, in a financial crisis, standing on their last leg, on the brink of destruction with nothing to offer but...... I kid. I have a lot to offer a man by way of support, peace, love, warmth and comfort, an ear, a shoulder, safe spaces and soft places to land.. I offer my heart... The most valuable thing I have.. it's dented, cracked, missing pieces, duct taped back together but it still beats.. still yearns, still wants, still loves you.

Self esteem much....?

Where the fuck did these tears come from? I've been walking around emotionless for days, weeks, months. I promised myself I would no longer cry over some bullshit like a fucking man... Esp one that I only see once a month. I thought I had it down, that I had it all together...Four orgasms later, a ball of fucking emotions... I'm sniffling, tears streaming, eyes red, trying to be quiet because he's sleep, I don't want to wake him and have to explain the tears which I can't explain. Each breath I take I feel the tears coming back... Where did they come from and why? Granted, I have been going thru a lot lately. My money is fucked up. I'm making life decisions between paying my power bill or buying groceries. "Life for a shorty shouldn't be so rough".. Word, Ghostface...
At one point, I really wanted to be with this dude. He's my ideal. Reminds me a lot of the men in my life: Strong, leaders, provider, funny, supportive, God fearing... the list goes on.. I claimed him. I told God this one is mine but I guess God forgot to tell him to claim me. Because he's too busy, got his kids, going to his dad, has the kids, or working or..did I mention the kids? I know I have to move on, and I did at one point, for almost six months. Something keeps pulling me back. Something beckons me to call him, just one more time. Self esteem much?

Heartbroken

He reached out and I pause
Memories drift back like flood waters after rainstorms
My mind starts to race and a smile creeps on my face.
Wait....
Then I remember
He hurt me...

Reminisce

My thoughts turn to you
Wishing wondering thinking
What it will be like to be with you
I mean, what it would be like to BE with you..
So,
I reminisce about your kisses
The gentleness and ease of them
Thinking I could get lost in them
I reminisce about your touch
How I want your hands all over me
From the top to bottom
Front to back
And everything in between
I reminisce about you
Now this ain't a love type poem
Nah, it's not that
It's more of a I'm thinking of you
And missing your kiss type poem
That's why I reminisce about you...

~~Shamelessly Me 

The Good of Me

I gloss over the good so I can focus on the bad.

That's my coping mechanism. 

If I focus on the good,

I see rainbows,  gum drops and sunny days.

I see us happy,  smiling and laughing. 

I see us loving each other with kind words and soft kisses.

I see us holding hands,  tight hugs, and candle lit dinners. 

I see us making love,  pillow talk and snoring.

I see us walking hand in hand not wanting to let go but knowing we have to. 

I see us being us....

However,  focus like that will have me pressing send by your name,  hoping,  praying you answer so I can hear the what's up babe again

Focus like that will have me sending hearts and I miss you messages..

Focus like that will have me in my feelings and regretting my decision: to love me more and you, less...

Focus like that will get me hurt...

Waiting for that heart break

So,  

I focus on the bad. 

Focusing on the bad is my coping mechanism.

It helps me get thru things like this.

Like, remembering you being too busy and not loving me right. 

It helps me to see the craquelure in the pictures. 

The shaky foundation.

The no calls.

The unreturned texts.

Radio silence.

The arguments over bullshit.

The feeling of inadequacy.

The feeling of insecurity.

The feeling of not being enough...

The feeling of I won't ever find him. 

The feeling of emptiness, a sense of loss and nothing,

Esp the feeling of nothing..

So I focus on the bad. 

However I now focus on the good of me...

I focus on finishing my book,

My laugh when I find something hilarious..

My loyalty to my friends,  

My heart which is made of gold..  

My mind when I'm intrigued,

My hands as I put fingers to keyboard and my smile that's so inviting...

No longer will I focus on the bad of him..

I will focus on the good of me..
That is my new coping mechanism
That is my new strategy..

Shiiit… all this goodness and mercy why wouldn’t it be?!