My foolish heart

He said, "You won't let me in", as his dick slides in and out of me. I asked, "How much deeper do you want to go," not quite understanding the statement in my sex-filled haze. He smiled that Cheshire cat smile of his - like he has some big secret. He tapped the center of my chest, and said, "There. I want your heart." Although, I'm laying completely naked in his bed, hair wild, eyes dazed, skin dewey, glowy, and drenched in sweat, I refuse to be TOTALLY naked with him. I refuse to let him in -- my heart. I claim to be an open person, but secretly, I'm closed off. I hide the true essence of me, especially when I really like someone. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be vulnerable. I hide my vulnerability. I hide my true desires. I hide me. If I let him in, would he love me the way I need to be loved? Would he protect me the way I need protecting? Would I have security with him? Shit, could I be my true self with him and he still love me? I will never find out. ...

I will never find out because he is a runner. For those of you who don't know what a runner is, let me explain. A runner is a person who claims to want love and all that it entails, but are indeed scared of love. When they sense love might be near, they bolt -- faster than Usain Bolt running the 100 meter dash -- and you will never hear from them again. Now do you see why I could never let him in? It's easier to give him me than to give him, ME. I can't trust him with my heart.. Shit, I don't know if I can trust ME with my heart. 

Have you heard that song by Jazmine Sullivan, My Foolish Heart? Some of the lyrics go: "My foolish heart will jump into the deepest of the seas, even if it cannot swim. My foolish heart will trust just anyone, it's so naive. Oh Oh Oh. And I'm left to save it again." That's me all day. I meet someone. We have some great conversations, exchange thoughts, ideas, fears, dreams, spend a little time, and boom! I love him. Fuck is wrong with me? I like the idea of being in love. I like the idea of a boyfriend or having a friend in my life on a constant, consistent basis. But do I actually know what it takes to be in love and stay in love? I was in love once, and it broke me down to my core. I don't want to feel that pain again, and I refuse to be that vulnerable again.. Hence, I will never let him in. I will never get the answers to my questions because, even though, I want to be in love again, I refuse to give him all of me. If I do that, I'll be forced to save me and my heart again.