Third Eye Blind

My tunnel vision
Slowly closing in on me
Third eye blindly sees

-aDr

Heart Chase

Candy colored dreams
Always leads the mind ashtray
Making the heart chase

-aDr

Alone

Waking up alone
Triggers bad decisions
Masturbate instead

-aDr

An Unlikely Source

I received a phone call today from an unexpected source. I've never spoken to him on the phone before but he's been in my life for at least 21 years.  I loved his wife.  By that I mean,  she was one of the dopest women I know - definitely in my top 3. She loved me like a daughter.  Always had a kind word or a jewel to give me.  Always been one of my biggest supporters and I can still hear her saying, "You go, Girl!". whenever I had some news to share. She showed me unconditional love, support and understanding... She was awesome.. Continue to rest in Paradise Beautiful...

So her husband calls me because I texted him. I check on him from time to time since her passing. The text is always short and sweet but this time he needed clarity so he called.  We talked and laughed and he,  too, dropped some jewels on me. Hearing his laughter made me miss her even more, yet I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I can see her smile and shaking her head at his stories.

They welcomed me into their family when I was dating his son. As our relationship grew so did my love and respect for her. I always wanted her to meet my mother - THE dopest woman I know. She always asked about her. Always showed respect for her. That meeting never happened... One thing I definitely regret.  She taught me things when I got on my own, what to look out for,  who to look out for and what moves I should make.  I could talk to her about any and everything, she was my diary for real. We would talk for hours. The last time I heard her voice was a month before she passed. She said she would call me back but never did.  I made sure to text her every other day. One day, I was laying in bed when suddenly I got the urge to text her,  I love you and I pray you get better sooner than later.  No response.  I didn't expect one.  I knew she was sick. However,  I wasn't expecting the next text I received, which was from my ex the next day, saying she passed. I cried. My heart broke. I mourned a bit but not like I thought I would.  I have no guilt or regrets. She knew I loved her. She knew how I felt for her. There was no mistake or denying our friendship. I later found out my text was the last text she received before passing. At her funeral, I didn't view her body.  There was no need. My friend was gone.  The body in the casket was a shell. I didn't want to remember her that way.  I wanted to remember her smile, her laughter, her sense of style, so I remained seated. Her husband brought all that up. Memories of yesterday. Memories of our conversations. Memories of her love, support and friendship...

We ended the call with I love yous and talk to you soon. I will too. I will definitely keep in touch with him so I can continue to get my jewels. He made me laugh and cry in the same conversation. He made me believe in love again and new beginnings and he made me feel stronger... All I needed was a "You go, Girl" and I would have been set. Maybe next time...

Still....

My time away from you or trying to shut you out was to get my mind and heart right. .. well, to get you out of both,  really... I don't think you totally get how I feel about you. I know you don't believe that I fell for you the moment you kissed me two years ago... my heart has been tethered to you ever since - most days I wish it weren't.... Most days, I wish I could fuck you with no regard.  Let's just get it and keep it moving. I can't.  Most days I hate you and wish we never met,  let alone kissed that night of our first meeting. I wish,  like most of my brief dating encounters,  we fizzled out after the first phone call so I wouldn't feel what I feel now: emotions,  love,  loneliness, unwantedness, played and manipulated. But I did invite that, didn't I?

I wish I could say I was doing better when I was giving you a hard time,  as you put it,  I wasn't. I retreated into a cocoon.... playing it safe... not getting involved... trying to fuck with no regard... trying not to compare them to you... trying not to decide who is the biggest asshole.... trying not to think about you. ..trying not to love you but loving you from afar..... and still loving you now....

                                           

Friend

Dear friend,

I don't think you realized what you did for me during your visit. We've been friends since we were 14 years old... Through the years,  we laughed,  cried, bugged out, fought, loved and through it all,  our friendship remained constant. Regardless where we are in our lives,  I know I am loved and protected by you and this is my wish for my future.  When we made the late night jaunt to get food that you didn't like,  I felt protected. I felt safe from your presence alone. Usually when I'm out,  I'm on guard. Checking my surroundings, watching my back,  my head on a swivel, but not that night.  That night,  I felt protected.  You showed me what quiet confidence looks like. You showed me  how I'm supposed to feel around my man: safe, protected. I bet you didn't even know that's how you made me feel, did you? I bet you didn't know that in that moment,  you gave me what needs to be added to my list of requirements to God.

You see, I have an image of the kind of man I want in my life. He has to be tall. Kinda thick, you know,  have some weight to him. I want to feel protected when I’m with him and a tall, thick man makes me feel that way. Although, confidence is on my list.  I failed to add the word,  exude. Exude is a verb. It means to come out gradually in drops, emit through pores or small openings like sweat and to project conspicuously or abundantly; ooze out. And that is the kind of confidence I want my man to have. Something so slight but it can be felt by those around him. He brings peace or thunder both attitudes depending upon the aggressor or benevolent. His aura, his presence, his everything will be felt... That is what I want my future to have.. not a false bravado but a quiet confidence. You know that saying: Walk lightly but carry a big stick. That's who and what he will be... That is who and what people will see him as. That is who and what I will love him as....My gentle giant who walks lightly but carries a big stick..

So I want to thank you my friend for bringing this to light. I want to thank you for the slumber party that brought back so many memories of us being kids when everything was simple and we were naive enough to think things would never change.. One thing hasnt tho.... our friendship and the love and respect we have for one another..

Until the next slumber party....

Me

Idle thoughts

Lately I've been thinking about you a lot.. Random memories.. Our laughter.. When we hung out... Your hands and the what ifs and could be's, possible and maybes... Like what if we tried harder... could we have been something more. I doubt it, though. I believed we ran our course, no matter how hard we tried.  The love was there but not the will... The will to do what it would take to make it work had long been gone... The desire to put all else aside and focus on what was important had left early on... The remnants was just flavor... Sprinkled about, scattered... Neither of us wanted to admit fault or defeat so we held on... Not realizing holding on does more harm than letting go... Not realizing we are wasting time and letting life pass us by...Not realizing the longer we hold on,  the farther apart we will be and resentment would grow... Holding on was detrimental to both of us. We just didn't know at that time. But, what were we really holding onto? Memories of days gone,  love lost,  crazy arguments and physical fights, lies, other people and drama.... What exactly were we holding onto? The good times: the laughter,  the love, the tight knit friendship,  the Bonnie & Clyde aspect of us... You and me against the world,  that undeniable,  impenetrable, unyielding, inseparable force that we once were when we were in love...was that it? I don't know. Do you have regrets? Would you do it all over again? I would in a heartbeat... You taught me valuable lessons.. You showed me your version of a woman...You taught me to fully love unconditionally until there were conditions.. You taught me to keep a little bit of myself to myself and not share everything.. You taught me to love with boundaries and how to use secrets to hurt.. You taught me nothing can be solved by finger pointing and blame and lastly, you taught me not to fight for something that's worthy,  only if outside forces approve that we were worthy.. You taught me a lot. Good and bad... I don't know why you're on my mind lately... Maybe because you're getting married and I'm still trying to figure things out or maybe because I just turned 47 and still single or maybe im romanticizing what we had... I don't know... but what I do know is love doesn't conquer all....

Letting Go

Certain things remind me of you
Certain things make me wish for you
For us
But I know I can't hold onto a shadow, a memory, a dream
So
I'll keep a piece of you and me tucked
Outta sight
Until I get you outta my mind.
❤❤

Spit or Swallow?

I must look like the kinda girl that likes to swallow
I swallow the lies, the empty promises and unfulfilled dreams
Im on my knees with my head tilted back, mouth wide open
Waiting..
I wait...
For the ejaculated sweet talking, bullshit that spews from you like water from fire hydrants on a sweltering summer day in New York City...
Waiting..
I wait...
For the falsehoods and the untruths like a kid waiting by the window for an absentee parent that never comes
Waiting...
I wait...
For the tomfoolery and fuckery to commence
Like a commencement speech at a college graduation
I wait and then I swallow
Every drop that you feed me...
I wait and then I swallow
Every morsel of crumb that you give to me
Piecemeal
I wait and then I swallow
Anxiously because I am that type of girl that likes to swallow all Im being fed until
I can't take it anymore then I spit.
I spit out the lies, the bullshit, the empty promises and then I feed you the truth.
The truth is I want to be fed and nourished by you
Only if..
It is with love..
I spit back the hate and feed you love. A love so strong you have no choice but to swallow.
I spit back the empty promises and feed you assurance..Something that you appear to be missing..
I spit back the unhappiness, the insecurity, and the heartbreak and I feed you happiness, security and a mended heart.
A heart that beats to my rhythm that shows you no matter what you been thru or who hurt you that I will protect it from misuse....
I will feed you the nutrients you need to survive, to live, to love, to know that regardless of what you try to spit, I will swallow...
So... I guess, what I'm saying is...
I am the kinda girl that likes to swallow.....

Love lost....

When the love is gone but remnants of it lies beneath the surface ...You try your best to recapture the feeling..

I cannot articulate how insignificant I feel or how inadequate I feel when it comes to you.. You don't make me feel these things, I feel them as if they are so and it's only with you. I pushed you away from the beginning. The more I was around you, the more insecure I felt. The more I would question the why's and the hows... Like did you really care? Could we really be more than we are? I know my behavior caused you to move further away from me. I know the crazy texts, not answering the phone, the temper tantrums all pushed you away. I just felt unworthy, unloveable.... Not meeting any of your people heightened my anxiety.. Not knowing certain things, simple things about you added fuel to my fire as well. However, this was all me. All in my head, yet with anyone else, none of this would be a factor. I’ve placed you on this pedestal of perfection. You seem to have it all. The Golden Boy, I called you on my head. It seems you do all the right things. Say all the right things. Love the right way and I'm none of that.. I am imperfect. Foundation cracked. Picture skewed, not quite straight. Living under the umbra of doubt of missteps and uncertainty even at this age. Esp at this age. Who would want that? Who would want this? Who wants someone unsettled, unstable, in a financial crisis, standing on their last leg, on the brink of destruction with nothing to offer but...... I kid. I have a lot to offer a man by way of support, peace, love, warmth and comfort, an ear, a shoulder, safe spaces and soft places to land.. I offer my heart... The most valuable thing I have.. it's dented, cracked, missing pieces, duct taped back together but it still beats.. still yearns, still wants, still loves you.

Self esteem much....?

Where the fuck did these tears come from? I've been walking around emotionless for days, weeks, months. I promised myself I would no longer cry over some bullshit like a fucking man... Esp one that I only see once a month. I thought I had it down, that I had it all together...Four orgasms later, a ball of fucking emotions... I'm sniffling, tears streaming, eyes red, trying to be quiet because he's sleep, I don't want to wake him and have to explain the tears which I can't explain. Each breath I take I feel the tears coming back... Where did they come from and why? Granted, I have been going thru a lot lately. My money is fucked up. I'm making life decisions between paying my power bill or buying groceries. "Life for a shorty shouldn't be so rough".. Word, Ghostface...
At one point, I really wanted to be with this dude. He's my ideal. Reminds me a lot of the men in my life: Strong, leaders, provider, funny, supportive, God fearing... the list goes on.. I claimed him. I told God this one is mine but I guess God forgot to tell him to claim me. Because he's too busy, got his kids, going to his dad, has the kids, or working or..did I mention the kids? I know I have to move on, and I did at one point, for almost six months. Something keeps pulling me back. Something beckons me to call him, just one more time. Self esteem much?

Heartbroken

He reached out and I pause
Memories drift back like flood waters after rainstorms
My mind starts to race and a smile creeps on my face.
Wait....
Then I remember
He hurt me...

Reminisce

My thoughts turn to you
Wishing wondering thinking
What it will be like to be with you
I mean, what it would be like to BE with you..
So,
I reminisce about your kisses
The gentleness and ease of them
Thinking I could get lost in them
I reminisce about your touch
How I want your hands all over me
From the top to bottom
Front to back
And everything in between
I reminisce about you
Now this ain't a love type poem
Nah, it's not that
It's more of a I'm thinking of you
And missing your kiss type poem
That's why I reminisce about you...

~~Shamelessly Me 

The Good of Me

I gloss over the good so I can focus on the bad.

That's my coping mechanism. 

If I focus on the good,

I see rainbows,  gum drops and sunny days.

I see us happy,  smiling and laughing. 

I see us loving each other with kind words and soft kisses.

I see us holding hands,  tight hugs, and candle lit dinners. 

I see us making love,  pillow talk and snoring.

I see us walking hand in hand not wanting to let go but knowing we have to. 

I see us being us....

However,  focus like that will have me pressing send by your name,  hoping,  praying you answer so I can hear the what's up babe again

Focus like that will have me sending hearts and I miss you messages..

Focus like that will have me in my feelings and regretting my decision: to love me more and you, less...

Focus like that will get me hurt...

Waiting for that heart break

So,  

I focus on the bad. 

Focusing on the bad is my coping mechanism.

It helps me get thru things like this.

Like, remembering you being too busy and not loving me right. 

It helps me to see the craquelure in the pictures. 

The shaky foundation.

The no calls.

The unreturned texts.

Radio silence.

The arguments over bullshit.

The feeling of inadequacy.

The feeling of insecurity.

The feeling of not being enough...

The feeling of I won't ever find him. 

The feeling of emptiness, a sense of loss and nothing,

Esp the feeling of nothing..

So I focus on the bad. 

However I now focus on the good of me...

I focus on finishing my book,

My laugh when I find something hilarious..

My loyalty to my friends,  

My heart which is made of gold..  

My mind when I'm intrigued,

My hands as I put fingers to keyboard and my smile that's so inviting...

No longer will I focus on the bad of him..

I will focus on the good of me..
That is my new coping mechanism
That is my new strategy..

Shiiit… all this goodness and mercy why wouldn’t it be?!

 

Nothing

The fact that you are here stuns me

I’ve waited for this moment for a while

I wanted you in that exact same spot where you stand

And I wanted you to know I care

But you knew

You just didn’t know the depth

That I loved you..

Or the breadth it took to expel those words

To you

Only to receive nothing in return

Even though nothing is all I expected

When it comes to you

For us

About us

Between us

Which is really

Nothing.

My perfect world

Let me close my eyes and dream for a minute...

In a perfect world, he would be mine and..

He would call me his...

He would call when he needs me, when he wants to see me and when he wants to love me...

He would voice his opinion about the happenings in my life.

Because....

He would love me.



He would hold my hand and rub my booty..

He would tell me everything is ok and show me that it is so..

He would send me flowers, write me love letters, and make sure I was aiiite...

Why?

Because...

He would love me.



He would think everything I did was perfect and that I was perfect too...

He would engage me in intellectual conversation, be intrigued by my thoughts, my mind, and my words. .

Mentally, he would love me.



He would wrap his arms around me and pull me into a tight embrace. He would kiss me like he missed me, caress my face while he kissed me, and move his hands down up and my body..

Physically, he would love me.



He would love my wounds, kiss my tears, erase my fears and nurture my dreams..

He would find my dark spaces, caress them into submission, bring light to the darkness..

And manifest my dreams into fruition..

Emotionally, he would love me.

Physically, he would stand a head taller than me, and will be strong enough to carry all my burdens..

He would take the brunt of my sorrows.

He would place my woes on his broad shoulders..

He would pray with me and for me, shelter me, and provide for me..

As the head of my home, he would take care of me. ..

Ideally, he would love me. .

Unconditionally, he would love me..

I’m not talking about that microwave type love..

More like that 350 degrees type love

That slow burning slow cooking, that low simmering to high heat type love. ..

Without provocation..

Without hesitation...

Knowing it could be an inconvenience

But..

In a blink of an eye...

Without question...

He would love me..



Simply put, without a doubt..

in a perfect world..

or in my dreams..

with my eyes wide open



He would love me. .