I deleted my online dating profile... I am tired of men wanting perfection..when in reality, they are far from it. I thought I found love. All signs pointed to him. We connected on so many levels. We laughed at the same jokes. We had fun together. I genuinely liked him. I was starting to fall for him in such a short span of time. We spent a lot of time together. It wasn't always going out or hanging out. Sometimes, we would chill at his place, listening to the radio or cds. Dancing, drinking, laughing.. connecting. Sometimes it wasn't about sex. It was about us connecting. He would tell me his secrets, his fears, his dreams. He would look me directly in my eyes and tell me what he was feeling and it felt genuine. I met him online. When I saw his picture, I knew. I knew he was the one for me. I can't explain it but I just knew. I was excited. I was giddy. I was nervous. I couldn't wait to meet him. I just knew.
When I meet a man, I'm all in, especially if they're all in. I'm open. I'm trusting. I'm faithful. I'm loyal. Especially, if they seem trustworthy, faithful, open and loyal... I need communication. I need to feel connected. I need to know that he's feeling what I'm feeling. I haven't learned that space is more.... I haven't learned to listen to myself when I feel a shift or feel that maybe I should pump my brakes. I felt that... I felt that tug that told me to slow it down...but my flesh was on full steam ahead. I wish there was a magic button to tell me to slow it down. No. I wish I would listen to that magic button that tells me to slow down...but what do you do when you think you've found, the one? I felt he was "the one". I felt he was my future. I felt it on every level, in every way and I guess, my actions showed that. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to know the him in him. I wanted to know everything about him...not just surface shit. I wanted to know what made him tick. Why he did the things he did..? Why he thought the way he did? I wanted to be his best friend... but I felt a shift happen. He started to act differently. Had I listened with my ears and my brain, I would have noticed the shift sooner. I would have paid closer attention. I couldn't though. I was too far in and so was he.
I would catch him staring at me. If I didn't call all day, he would call to check on me. He was accommodating. He was compromising. He made me feel beautiful. When I would leave his place, he would watch my car until I disappeared around the corner. If he left before me, he would always give me the biggest wave and smile when he passed me. Whenever I would go to his place, I would text him that I'm downstairs. He would come down and walk me upstairs with his hand on the small of my back. He would give me the biggest hug and smell my hair. I loved that. That told me he missed me, missed my scent. When we would sit on the couch, a part of him would always be touching a part of me. He would always touch me. Sometimes, subtly and sometimes overtly but he would always touch me. I loved that. That showed me he cared enough to stay connected. When we would lay down, we never stop touching..always connected until we got up in the morning. I loved watching him dress in the morning. I loved that he didn't talk that much in the morning or was much of a morning person becuz neither am I.. I loved that he was a lil clingy without really being clingy. We were comfortable. Maybe a lil too comfortable... Maybe it felt too close for comfort... Maybe that's what scared him off...
I'm focusing over the good stuff becuz I don't want to think about the bad stuff. I don't want to think about the slights or the lack of communication or me feeling like I don't matter becuz when I'm with him, I do matter....at that moment. I don't want to think about him comparing me to the other women he has dated or to his ex wife. I don't want to think about him being afraid or shutting me out. I don't want to think about him distancing himself from me. I know what God has for me IS for me and I pray God has him for me.
The heart wants what the heart wants and it wants..........him.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
church..
I dated a man who told me that me not going to church was a deal breaker. Let me back up, when I first met this dude, who told me he was a church-going, God-fearing, bible-studying, fasting, Christian man who is looking for a God fearing woman, who he can grow in God with. I paused. I am God-fearing but I am not bible-studying or fasting. However, I've grown up in the church. I know God. I have a relationship with God. I talk to him on a daily basis but I don't go to church. He knows my heart. He knows me and loves me in spite of.
I wondered, while I was dating him and we were doing what "carnal" people do and no mention of church came up, would it really be a deal breaker? I noticed that I prayed before each meal; he didn't. I noticed that I had to encourage him when he was feeling doubts. And, I had to remind him of his faith but yet, me not going to church was a deal breaker. Actually, I didn't know it was a deal breaker until later. I sent him a text one day and told him, I didn't want to stay out late becuz I wanted to go to early service. He was excited. I had been wanting to go to church but hadn't found a church I felt comfortable in. A lot of churches in Atlanta are huge and about the benjamins. They're not about teaching the word and worshipping God, more like, pushing the dollar and worshipping money. Anyway, I was feeling out of sorts and empty so I decided maybe I need to go back. Maybe I should seek different counsel so I started going to church. The night I told him about my decision to go to church is when I found out he had an issue with me not going. He told me he was proud that I was going. He thought I didn't believe in God for whatever reason. (SN: We had a conversation about me being mad at God for taking my nephew. See, this is where effective communication and listening skills come in) I asked him early on if me not going to church would be a deal breaker and he said, no. I didn't understand if a God-fearing, fasting, bible-studying, church-going, Christian man would lie about having issues with me not going to church? What's the big deal? You feel how you feel right?
I started going to church. I went to a non denominational church and I felt odd. I decided I would give it a try becuz, 1: it's close to home. 2: the service is about an hour and fifteen minutes; and, 3: the message was good. However, the music was strange to me. I'm used to a more down home soul choir and here I sit listening to rock band style music. No one is catching the spirit. No one is, in my opinion, feeling it. They're all just standing around, singing softly and swaying...but not really MOVING.. I'm like ooookay. I look around the room and everyone seems to be into it...but me. 'I'm thinking to myself, am I in the Twilight Zone or what? I sometimes stream the service or actually go, but last night as I'm streaming and the pastor is speaking, I feel off. It feels off. THIS feels off. Now, I'm sitting at home, alone and I feel like this is b.s. This is not where I want to be. I need to be somewhere else, some PLACE else. I don't know if it's the church or me. I need to find out. I started to wonder if I am going to church for other people? Am I going becuz I "should" go or am I going becuz I want to go? The whole time I'm listening or watching, these questions are going thru my head. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I learning and do I actually believe what the pastor is saying? I don't. I think this particular church is a lil biased and I need to go someplace that I feel comfortable......but where?
I wondered, while I was dating him and we were doing what "carnal" people do and no mention of church came up, would it really be a deal breaker? I noticed that I prayed before each meal; he didn't. I noticed that I had to encourage him when he was feeling doubts. And, I had to remind him of his faith but yet, me not going to church was a deal breaker. Actually, I didn't know it was a deal breaker until later. I sent him a text one day and told him, I didn't want to stay out late becuz I wanted to go to early service. He was excited. I had been wanting to go to church but hadn't found a church I felt comfortable in. A lot of churches in Atlanta are huge and about the benjamins. They're not about teaching the word and worshipping God, more like, pushing the dollar and worshipping money. Anyway, I was feeling out of sorts and empty so I decided maybe I need to go back. Maybe I should seek different counsel so I started going to church. The night I told him about my decision to go to church is when I found out he had an issue with me not going. He told me he was proud that I was going. He thought I didn't believe in God for whatever reason. (SN: We had a conversation about me being mad at God for taking my nephew. See, this is where effective communication and listening skills come in) I asked him early on if me not going to church would be a deal breaker and he said, no. I didn't understand if a God-fearing, fasting, bible-studying, church-going, Christian man would lie about having issues with me not going to church? What's the big deal? You feel how you feel right?
I started going to church. I went to a non denominational church and I felt odd. I decided I would give it a try becuz, 1: it's close to home. 2: the service is about an hour and fifteen minutes; and, 3: the message was good. However, the music was strange to me. I'm used to a more down home soul choir and here I sit listening to rock band style music. No one is catching the spirit. No one is, in my opinion, feeling it. They're all just standing around, singing softly and swaying...but not really MOVING.. I'm like ooookay. I look around the room and everyone seems to be into it...but me. 'I'm thinking to myself, am I in the Twilight Zone or what? I sometimes stream the service or actually go, but last night as I'm streaming and the pastor is speaking, I feel off. It feels off. THIS feels off. Now, I'm sitting at home, alone and I feel like this is b.s. This is not where I want to be. I need to be somewhere else, some PLACE else. I don't know if it's the church or me. I need to find out. I started to wonder if I am going to church for other people? Am I going becuz I "should" go or am I going becuz I want to go? The whole time I'm listening or watching, these questions are going thru my head. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I learning and do I actually believe what the pastor is saying? I don't. I think this particular church is a lil biased and I need to go someplace that I feel comfortable......but where?
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