Missing U

 I miss the way your scent lingers

like warm rain on hot pavement,

Like the smell of fresh cut grass after a day of landscaping

When flowers bloom their brightest hues

I miss your touch,

Your fingers tracing the lines on my skin like a book written in braille,

Stirring memories of days of old

When your touch caused shivers up and down my back

As if I was struck by lightning

Convulsing as if I was pop locking to the latest hip hop beat

I craved to feel you when you were gone

Like a crack head looking for their next fix

I miss you

I miss the laughter we shared how it came without warning,

bright as cracked sunlight through a window

lifting me into something lighter, something hopeful.

Something better

You

Gave me hope of forever

and beyond that

Infinity

The love that was waiting

Our hearts beating in sync

Your hand finding mine

our conversation in hushed whispers

with our heads together

In our own world

We were the best kept secret

Never wanting to let go or

go

Like school children during summer break

We always looked for one another. Everywhere

In every text, every glance, every shared space

That was us..

Now I wander those places alone,

searching for the weight of your presence

in every paragraph of memory. What happened to us?

Naked

 I want you naked

Completely stripped down until your inhibitions has inhibitions

I want the intimacies and intricacies that lead us to be us

Like knowing looks, secret handshakes and butterfly kisses

I want to make people jealous

I want to make them see what they're missing

And put #goals on their pictures

I want it to be us against the world type shit

Like Bonnie and Clyde type shit

Except we don't die

We flourish and tether to each other

Holding on for dear life

Evolving

Morphing

Becoming one 

Creating Lasting memories

These intricacies 

We'll make 

And we will see and believe in the love we want

The love we have

The love that's meant to be

From the first hello

To the lingering touch 

To the kiss on the lips

Too the long goodbye

Too never leaving

To Sunday dinners 

After a long hot bath

And then put that shit on repeat

I want you naked

For the intricacies 

The quirks 

The smiles

That laugh that makes you hold your stomach until the tears fall

And you're breathlessly saying stop

I can't take it anymore

I want you naked... 

dancing under a chocolate moon to the tunes of 

Mary j blige, I found my everything 

Telling me you love me and this is what you live for, and this is what you'll die for because

No one has ever loved you like this

So i need you naked... 

 #Poem

The Placeholder

 The placeholder

Since I moved back from Atlanta

My old jawns have been reaching out 

Even the married ones

They weren't married when I left 

That i knew of

It makes me wonder a lil, like

What if? Hmmm

When I was in Atlanta running em

Blocking,  dodging, and 52 faking em out

You would have thought I played pro ball the way I could block and run and hike the ball, but for sure didnt catch any shots

Sometimes, I wanted to catch it 

And if I caught it,  then I'd be stuck

With the circus

The clown show

Or the hobosexuals

You know only interested because they need a place to stay

And if they were cute enough

Id let them stay

But then it turned into more than it should be

More than I'm willing to give

Me

Id sacrificed enough in my lifetime

To keep giving myself away

To keep giving my pearls to swine 

To keep being a homeless shelter

A ring leader 

Or from a distance, 

a fool

Nothing but a court jester

For entertainment purposes only

Never too serious 

About me

Never really giving any thought to being a wife or their wife

Being married was never really high on my list of things to do

So

One guy I dated right before I left

A multi millionaire 

I mean dude had bread

Im talking owning companies, a few properties 

Trust fund babies, living in a mansion,  Bentleys in the garage,  15 yo son driving a drop top benz and all the toys boys desired

But he wasn't my type

I mean he was fine,  don't get me wrong

He was tall, light skinned

A big guy

He had personality

Charisma

With a touch of narcissism 

And manipulation

And to some he was a catch

He loves his momma

Took care of his kids

But he was a clown

He strung me along for a minute

Or I should say i let him string me along

See, fool

He would throw me a bone every now and then

Even offered to move me in 

But he wasn't serious...

I know what you're thinking but he asked me to move in

True but he didn't know my last name,  birthday or favorite color

He was throwing me a bone

So i could shut up about being together 

However something in me

Just clicked and the song Toni Braxton sang played in my head, He wasnt man enough for me

And I walked away

So my old jawns in Atl are getting married/engaged

And Im in NJ single 

Looking back

Thinking did I miss something

Make a mistake

Am I having regrets

I mean what's up with that

Was I not good enough to marry

Or as my momma once told me,  maybe my destiny isn't tied to a man

Or maybe I was just a placeholder in their lives until the one they desired came along...

Nah.... the fool turned into a queen who wouldn't put up with bullshit and nonsense or lack of common sense

So when they call or hit me up on Facebook or text me like what's up,  how you been? I miss you. 

I kindly reply, thanks, but no thanks 

And say hello to the wife...

Lies

Its grounded in my imagination like embossed leather on a designer bag

Living in a fantasy like Alice in Wonderland 

traveling farther down the rabbit hole 

digging deeper and deeper into a make-believe world that never existed

With shades of blues, light pinks 

And misty colored clouds

Where Popsicles and lollipops are full of color and life 

And children's laughter can be heard in the distance

The sounds are nostalgic 

Almost euphoric

Like love..

The vision of love tempts me

Dangling in front of me 

begging to be enjoyed

Yet

It evades me

Teasing me as I attempt to grab it

Playing hide and go get it

Peeking out behind bushes

Lurking close by

Calling my name

Taunting me

Laughing as I come near

And then running away

love

The love I thought that was waiting for me once I returned

How foolish could I be

Like a sucker waiting for his favorite stripper to slide down the pole into his lap and eventually his bed

Like a spiders web that catches everything but prey

I came back with the hopes of eternal love like the flame that burns at MLKs grave 

I was homesick

I missed everything about this place

Everything that made me feel safe

My mother, my sister,  my girls

My peace

My safe place in the midst of my storm

It was no longer there or within reach

It was quickly shutdown

Like shelters after 6pm

Love like ours didn't exist

There was no rabbit hole to go down 

Only red flags and stop signs

That I finally started heeding

I had to grab a tourniquet

To stop the bleeding

Of my heart

The gaping wound brought 

tears to my eyes

And

I finally heard the bittersweet nothings 

that tasted like chocolate covered lemons

Was me uttering lies to myself

Me Comforting me

And

Me Soothing me

Trying to convince me

That love never dies

Right?

10/3/25

Motivation

 

When I was asked to do this piece, I wasn’t excited about it...

I'm not a motivator or inspirational or even at times, an enthusiastic type poet

I am a love type poet

I write about rainbows, broken hearts and unicorns type stuff

However, 

I know when I was your age I was excited about being on my own and making my way in the world and no one could tell me what to do

They would say stop being grown

Or

Don't rush to grow up

But 

listen, I was ready!

I had a job, a car and I thought i knew everything! 

I wanted to see what was out there! I wanted to see a world beyond Willingboro NJ...

I didn't listen. 

I was hard headed

I had a baby at 19

I thought I was grown

But what I didn't realize 

Was

Life is hard.

Life will make you question everything you were taught

Life will challenge you.

It will bring out the best in you 

Or the worst

But

It's up to you to figure out which path gets the most energy.

It's up to you to sell people on your dreams

If you believe it, don't let anyone change your mind..

If you believe it, YOU can make it happen...

You'll have to..

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

You can make all your dreams come true.

From a thought

A simple notion

A small action

A tiny reaction

That to some, it will be TOO grand…

But not for you

Because

THIS… IS… YOUR… LIFE!

YOU… ARE… THE… FUTURE

You are here to put your stamp on the world

Give them something to believe in

You will be their

INSPIRATION

their

MOTIVATION

their

LIFE LONG MEMORIES

That you create

Now is the time for you..

and ALL your BLACK GIRL MAGIC

In all your newfound freedom

To forge your own paths

to blaze your own trails,

to fight your way through adversity

To never give up

Bump the naysayers and the do nothings

Show them you got this

You've come too far to turn back

For the future is yours

You're heading towards the wonderful

Marching to the beat of your drum

Leading them like a piped piper

Leaving melodic bread crumbs along the way

Striving

With your

Head held high

Determined

But....

A word of caution

There will be road blocks

You will stumble 

Lose your footing

You may even fall

But hear me when I tell you

never...EVER.. give up...

Get up

Dust yaself off

Keep moving 

Keep pushing forward

It's up to you now

To carry the torch

For the next generation

Because 

YOU... ARE... THE... FUTURE!!!

-aDr

February 16 TwentyTwenty2

My Mother

 I miss my mother.... 

My mother is everywhere in the house and I love it.  I lowkey don't want to get rid of any of her things but we have to.  I go thru her things methodically.  I cry at random times while I'm putting on her jewelry... Sometimes I just sit on her bed with all her stuff on... shirts,  headbands, jewelry,   sweaters and remember her laugh... 

I remember everything about her... vividly.  I remember her big brown eyes... her beautiful smile... her laughter... her voice... her skin... her fingers... her feet... I remember rubbing lotion on her feet and her legs. I actually liked doing things for my mother even when I complained.  

I sometimes felt bad going to bed because I didn't want to leave her downstairs by herself. Mommys a night owl. I am not.  I get cranky about midnight... Mommy stays up all night... falls asleep in her chair,  wakes up to her favorite show like she's supposed to be there.  

I would come downstairs before logging on just to check on her but mostly to hear her call my name.  What's for breakfast? Lady...I have to work.  What's for lunch? Woman...  I'm working.  I would call out just to spend time with her... We had pretty deep conversations.  We agreed on a lot of things and others,  she gave advice.  I'm missing these conversations already.  It's been a few things I've been wanting to tell her...

I sprayed on her perfume the other day... 

I smelled like her hug....

-aDr

February 20 TwentyTwenty2

Mortality

Omar died today. Well, Michael K. Williams died today. He was found dead in his place, alone. Overdose they think. This hits different because a lot of us grew up with this guy. Watched him on The Wire and on Boardwalk Empire and countless other shows. He was brilliant in all of them and now he's gone. 

 I don't usually write about celebrities... it's not my thing but as I said.... this one hit differently.. . He wrote a post about his mortality when Kobe died. He wrote, what would his legacy be? How would he be remembered and would he die alone? 

I think about these things often as I live by myself and my son is living in another state. I wonder what would my legacy be and how would I die? One thing about death, it will make you question your whole life... It will make you feel...mortal. Did I live my life to the fullest? Do I have regrets? What could I do differently or did I really and truly love the way I wanted? 

 I've thought of these things a lot but most recently - yesterday, death has been on my mind... With Covid lingering about (to Vax or not IS the question and my choice), diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol and other silent killers... what would be my legacy...? What imprint or impact will I leave?

 I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just reflective... MKW was 4 years my senior and although I don't do drugs and an overdose is a stretch; death is inevitable.. 

One day, we'll all be gone... So what's the resolution? The end game? A solution? Simple.. live.. love.. laugh like it's ya last day on earth.

~aDr

September Seventh Twenty21