Friend

Dear friend,

I don't think you realized what you did for me during your visit. We've been friends since we were 14 years old... Through the years,  we laughed,  cried, bugged out, fought, loved and through it all,  our friendship remained constant. Regardless where we are in our lives,  I know I am loved and protected by you and this is my wish for my future.  When we made the late night jaunt to get food that you didn't like,  I felt protected. I felt safe from your presence alone. Usually when I'm out,  I'm on guard. Checking my surroundings, watching my back,  my head on a swivel, but not that night.  That night,  I felt protected.  You showed me what quiet confidence looks like. You showed me  how I'm supposed to feel around my man: safe, protected. I bet you didn't even know that's how you made me feel, did you? I bet you didn't know that in that moment,  you gave me what needs to be added to my list of requirements to God.

You see, I have an image of the kind of man I want in my life. He has to be tall. Kinda thick, you know,  have some weight to him. I want to feel protected when I’m with him and a tall, thick man makes me feel that way. Although, confidence is on my list.  I failed to add the word,  exude. Exude is a verb. It means to come out gradually in drops, emit through pores or small openings like sweat and to project conspicuously or abundantly; ooze out. And that is the kind of confidence I want my man to have. Something so slight but it can be felt by those around him. He brings peace or thunder both attitudes depending upon the aggressor or benevolent. His aura, his presence, his everything will be felt... That is what I want my future to have.. not a false bravado but a quiet confidence. You know that saying: Walk lightly but carry a big stick. That's who and what he will be... That is who and what people will see him as. That is who and what I will love him as....My gentle giant who walks lightly but carries a big stick..

So I want to thank you my friend for bringing this to light. I want to thank you for the slumber party that brought back so many memories of us being kids when everything was simple and we were naive enough to think things would never change.. One thing hasnt tho.... our friendship and the love and respect we have for one another..

Until the next slumber party....

Me

Idle thoughts

Lately I've been thinking about you a lot.. Random memories.. Our laughter.. When we hung out... Your hands and the what ifs and could be's, possible and maybes... Like what if we tried harder... could we have been something more. I doubt it, though. I believed we ran our course, no matter how hard we tried.  The love was there but not the will... The will to do what it would take to make it work had long been gone... The desire to put all else aside and focus on what was important had left early on... The remnants was just flavor... Sprinkled about, scattered... Neither of us wanted to admit fault or defeat so we held on... Not realizing holding on does more harm than letting go... Not realizing we are wasting time and letting life pass us by...Not realizing the longer we hold on,  the farther apart we will be and resentment would grow... Holding on was detrimental to both of us. We just didn't know at that time. But, what were we really holding onto? Memories of days gone,  love lost,  crazy arguments and physical fights, lies, other people and drama.... What exactly were we holding onto? The good times: the laughter,  the love, the tight knit friendship,  the Bonnie & Clyde aspect of us... You and me against the world,  that undeniable,  impenetrable, unyielding, inseparable force that we once were when we were in love...was that it? I don't know. Do you have regrets? Would you do it all over again? I would in a heartbeat... You taught me valuable lessons.. You showed me your version of a woman...You taught me to fully love unconditionally until there were conditions.. You taught me to keep a little bit of myself to myself and not share everything.. You taught me to love with boundaries and how to use secrets to hurt.. You taught me nothing can be solved by finger pointing and blame and lastly, you taught me not to fight for something that's worthy,  only if outside forces approve that we were worthy.. You taught me a lot. Good and bad... I don't know why you're on my mind lately... Maybe because you're getting married and I'm still trying to figure things out or maybe because I just turned 47 and still single or maybe im romanticizing what we had... I don't know... but what I do know is love doesn't conquer all....