I wake up feeling lonely and horny. I want to feel a man on me, in me and around me. I want to feel his essence.. mostly, on me. I have this back up dude, Jamal. Jamal is from my hometown. I've known him for years but didn't really KNOW him. We hung in the same circle. We know all the same people but we just didn't know each other. Jay (I'll call him Jay for short) is not my type at all. He's my height. Light skin (I like them blue black..blurple if you will), a lil round and back in the day, he was a pretty boy...so NOT my type. I like them rough, rugged and raw! We are facebook friends as well. He would inbox me from time to time to catch up. He would usually push up, trying to see where my head was. Who I was dating, if I was dating or if I wanted to hook up with him. More often than not, I didn't. I was in and out of pseudo-relationships. Trying to make them into relationships. Dating this one and that one but not finding what I need. Thinking I was getting what I needed at that time when in all reality, I wasn't. The last time Jamal hit me up I was fresh out of something. I dated a fireman for about six months. He wanted space. I wanted love and ultimately, I gave him what he wanted. I was online and Jay inboxes me. We start chatting and he left his number. I didn't call right away. As a matter of fact, I didn't call at all. He inboxed me again. I told him I was heart broken and he said he was the cure for heartbreak. Intrigued, I say, is that right? He assured me, he would be the medicine that I needed to heal my broken heart.. He ain't never lied. I gave in and went over there one Saturday afternoon and got the ride of my life! I was so spent but satisfied by the time I left that I knew he was going to be my summer fling...or so I thought. We started "kicking it" on a regular basis. I was getting my fill at companionship and "physical"ship. It was flowing nicely. We both knew the rules of the games. No emotions. I was good. My emotions were buried deep inside. Jay started to brush me. I would call, he wouldn't answer. I would text, he wouldn't respond. If I would get him on the phone by text or voice, he would say, "yeah, I saw you called/texted. I was busy." Say word? Bet. I can take a hint. I pushed on. Now of course, once I stopped all communication, here he comes. Dude, I'm over it. Please stop calling me. (He still calls to this day). So Jay was my back up dude. I knew he would come thru for me. I knew he will do exactly what I need him to do: kiss me, lick me, suck me, fuck me, hug me, squeeze me, make me feel like I'm the only one in the world, make it all about me. (Eyes closed, head back...hmmm.) Let me call him, right now! I pick up my phone. I dial 4-0-..I hang up. I start talking to myself, really? Yes. Call him. Okay. I pick up my phone. I dial 4-0-4- I hang up. I can picture all things he does to me and I'm seriously turned on but not enough to complete the phone call. What's going on w/me?? I get up and go to the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror and say, Who are you? I shake my head. I don't know. Now, I'm thinking.....ut oh! Simple physical pleasure is not enough anymore. I want MORE. I want the whole thing. I deserve the whole thing. I want the entire cake, not just the icing. I want to make a cake from scratch. I want and need all the ingredients it takes to make a cake from scratch and then the icing. Don't get me wrong. I've been that girl who would make that call, get exactly what I need, bounce and be happy, perfectly satisfied. Not anymore. That girl is gone. How do I know? Because I don't see her in the mirror anymore. I'm starting to dream of coupledom. Attending functions together. Going to family events. Date night. Lazy Sunday mornings. Late nights.. Marriage. A perpetual goofy grin on my face because I'm thinking of "him"..My "him"...so I don't complete the call.
Instead, I pick up my laptop and go on this dating website I've been on for a while and start to peruse the ads. Searching...searching...searching.. I don't "see" anyone that piques my attention. Let me try a different tab. I go to the tab that reads, MEET ME. I click on the link that says, "People who want to meet you". Meet me? Yes, let's see who wants to meet ME.. I'm scrolling down the list. No. No. No. No. N- wait a minute. What is this? WHO is this?! Yes! Oooo la la! Tall, dark, fine, nice smile, looks clean (that's important), employed, has a car, own place..yes, yes, yes! He has to have the 3! JOB, CAR, PLACE! You would be surprised as to how many don't! He looks good in his pictures and on paper. What the hell I say and I send him an email. Now here's the part where I'm supposed to say, "I don't normally do this but...." but that would be a lie. Dating online is my thing. I am proficient on Internet dating. I've been doing it for a while and am no stranger to the quick meet & greet. I've basically know how to finagle a profile so I appear approachable. I know men don't read all the verbiage so I know to make it short and sweet. I know catch words, catch phrases and what pictures NOT to post. Although, that has not stopped the occasional pervert. If I see someone I like, I will send him an email with the quickness. If it works, then it does and if not, then cool, move on to the next. I usually pick the tall, dark, FINE ones who don't want me. I am not their type. I'm either too tall, too big, too fat, too brown.. just "too". Whateva, their loss! At least that's what I tell myself. Rejection hurts but being alone on those cold winter nights hurts worse! My sister told me a long time ago to like the person who likes me.. Do you know how hard that is? Usually the ones that like me are NOT my type and I don't like them. There is no chemistry; sexually, mentally or otherwise. I can't see them with me. I can't see me with them. I can't see them in my bed, house, head, body, life, circle, nothing! But let's get back to tall, dark and fine! I send him an email and tell him I am interested, hope he is too. I sign it, me:) and hit the send button. I patiently (not!) stalked his page and my inbox! Checking the time I sent it and the time it is now. Checking myself in the mirror. Trying on shoes. Getting something to eat. (In all reality, it didn't take that long...I'm a lil dramatic) Watching TV and DING! goes my notification bell on my phone. I smile. Get excited. I open the email and it's him! He's interested too..called me beautiful and wants to know the next step.. Marriage of course! Whoa Nelly! Slow ya roll, Sis.. breathe.. think, respond... restrain yourself... lol Let's talk marriage on date 2.. His email flows. I can tell he has a sense of humor, perfect. Witty, I like that. Not trying too hard..Our conversation is effortless and I'm enjoying him via the net. He leaves me his number, tells me he will be waiting and he signs his name: Jamal. I'm stunned. I sit and look at his name with my mouth hanging open. I am a believer. I believe in God and I believe there are no such things as coincidences. However, what are the odds that I would meet a man name Jamal when I was going to call my cut buddy Jamal. Two different men, same name. Can you sing, God's try'na tell you sumpin?! RIGHT NOW! lol
Instead, I pick up my laptop and go on this dating website I've been on for a while and start to peruse the ads. Searching...searching...searching.. I don't "see" anyone that piques my attention. Let me try a different tab. I go to the tab that reads, MEET ME. I click on the link that says, "People who want to meet you". Meet me? Yes, let's see who wants to meet ME.. I'm scrolling down the list. No. No. No. No. N- wait a minute. What is this? WHO is this?! Yes! Oooo la la! Tall, dark, fine, nice smile, looks clean (that's important), employed, has a car, own place..yes, yes, yes! He has to have the 3! JOB, CAR, PLACE! You would be surprised as to how many don't! He looks good in his pictures and on paper. What the hell I say and I send him an email. Now here's the part where I'm supposed to say, "I don't normally do this but...." but that would be a lie. Dating online is my thing. I am proficient on Internet dating. I've been doing it for a while and am no stranger to the quick meet & greet. I've basically know how to finagle a profile so I appear approachable. I know men don't read all the verbiage so I know to make it short and sweet. I know catch words, catch phrases and what pictures NOT to post. Although, that has not stopped the occasional pervert. If I see someone I like, I will send him an email with the quickness. If it works, then it does and if not, then cool, move on to the next. I usually pick the tall, dark, FINE ones who don't want me. I am not their type. I'm either too tall, too big, too fat, too brown.. just "too". Whateva, their loss! At least that's what I tell myself. Rejection hurts but being alone on those cold winter nights hurts worse! My sister told me a long time ago to like the person who likes me.. Do you know how hard that is? Usually the ones that like me are NOT my type and I don't like them. There is no chemistry; sexually, mentally or otherwise. I can't see them with me. I can't see me with them. I can't see them in my bed, house, head, body, life, circle, nothing! But let's get back to tall, dark and fine! I send him an email and tell him I am interested, hope he is too. I sign it, me:) and hit the send button. I patiently (not!) stalked his page and my inbox! Checking the time I sent it and the time it is now. Checking myself in the mirror. Trying on shoes. Getting something to eat. (In all reality, it didn't take that long...I'm a lil dramatic) Watching TV and DING! goes my notification bell on my phone. I smile. Get excited. I open the email and it's him! He's interested too..called me beautiful and wants to know the next step.. Marriage of course! Whoa Nelly! Slow ya roll, Sis.. breathe.. think, respond... restrain yourself... lol Let's talk marriage on date 2.. His email flows. I can tell he has a sense of humor, perfect. Witty, I like that. Not trying too hard..Our conversation is effortless and I'm enjoying him via the net. He leaves me his number, tells me he will be waiting and he signs his name: Jamal. I'm stunned. I sit and look at his name with my mouth hanging open. I am a believer. I believe in God and I believe there are no such things as coincidences. However, what are the odds that I would meet a man name Jamal when I was going to call my cut buddy Jamal. Two different men, same name. Can you sing, God's try'na tell you sumpin?! RIGHT NOW! lol
That was Sept 8th (Recently, I was told that the number 8 means new beginnings) and we had our first date Sept 9th (and the number 9 means, a finality to judgement. It marks the end and is significant of the conclusion of a matter). We had an ice cream date and a walk in the park. For those that know me, know I don't do "walks in the park". There are bugs and stuff outside AND I love love love ice cream. We walked and talked for two hours. I didn't even finish my ice cream. We have been dating for a little over a month and it's good. I like him. He's giving me all the things that I need to bake a cake from scratch. I don't feel rushed. I feel like it's flowing. He's what I like: Stable, God-fearing, compromises, affectionate, a willingness to do things. He seems to be open and he said we are exclusive.. I love that and I'm cooking for him. Where dey do dat at?!
